Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Well, I sit down every day to write a blog but I suspect Ive been too sleepy because I always wake up hours later, disoriented and sweaty and stuck to the leather couch. I dont have much to say I just wanted to post something. Today was uneventful. I gave beef tenderloin to Michael Ondaatje for lunch. Hes a bit of a sourpuss. He wrote The English Patient, amoung other things, if you dont know the name. Now Im going to attempt a bit of xmas shopping and maybe bug Cory at work for a shandy. Sitting here in my winter hat and scarf and no pants on... have a few steps to complete before heading out, obviously.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Die SinterKLAUZ

I want beer and nachos all over me. Really I want whiskey, but I think that would burn.

Im going to start a weekly blog thing where I share with you a quote made by a popular and famous sexy model lady. It will be called:

"Karalalala's WEEKLY MODEL BlahBlahBlah's"

This weeks quote comes from Hiedi Klum, or Ol' Krautface, as she prefers to be called. Keep in mind that this is to be read in a hilarious comedy German accent like Uter on the Simpsons. This is how she talks. To help you out I will spell things as phonetically accurate as I can.

"Vhen I kommenzi to die New America, I vas really into all ze zings people zat zay eat here, ya? I start to eat die muffins and die brownies and zose yummy-innen-meine-tummy caramel chocolate zings, ya? People you know, zey called me MUFFIN! It is because of I vould be eating all ze muffins all ze time!
"Hey Muffin, vhats up?"
- Heidi Klum

Ha ha ha, god in himmel, what a woman! Du kannst mir sehr gefallen, kleine kuchen!

Monday, December 10, 2007


God Im in a shit mood aren't I.

Yeah I am. What the shit. I just can't be fucked. I just spent an hour and a hundred dollaridoos buying christmas pressies online and that was a miserable affair. And buying presents is my FAVOURITE THING! Ive been grumbling and irritated for 2 days. Faking inner sunshine for work and being exhausted. Im working too much. Its not even hard work, but standing on my feet and forcing myself to be pleasent to people I would rather watch be eaten by a pack of hyenas is really tiring dude. Bah fuckin humbug! I know, blah blah blah, stop your whining and all that.. just had to get it out of my system.




Im actually shouting that. I hope I dont alert anyone into a false pretense of believing there is actual criminal activity afoot. Oh well, there probably is, anyway.

So yeah, christmas pressents. Im working on a limited budget, and Im still spending too much. They arent even stellar presents. For christ sakes, I bought my dad a package of astronaut icecream. A very good indicator of the level Im working on this year. I always want to tell people what there presents are, its a nasty habit. I have nastier ones, but this ones irritating to me. The foul stench constantly streaming from my ass at all hours accompanied by raucous trumpeting, I can live with. So, I'm trying to hold it in-- the secrets, not the farts, thats unhealthy-- but the metaphorical architect who built the dam to hold the reservoir of secrets inside of me was a drunkard, an ethically unsound man, and hopelessly experimental. My dam is made out of silly putty and baby bellybuttons and faerie wings and puppydog scrotums and Dr Pepper bottle caps and will bust open at any sign of strain or distraction from its duty. Maybe thats what all those farts are about... farts are hilarious.

So yeah, whoever you are, reading this, now, I can almost guarantee youre getting no festive packages from my broke scroogy ass this year, and if you do, you may as well hadnt.

I really wish I had a scanner cause I have some really crappy doodles I would love to fill in all this blank space with waaaahhhhhhh.

I dont really have much to share, maybe I will tomorrow. After work, of course. I cant wait til christmas, December is dragging in this middle part. It needs a nice end.


Im eating granola and its getting everywhere. It tastes like wooden marshmallows. Mmmmm.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Pinsents Chimichanga

Today started off awful. I didn't like it at all. And then I had 3 shots of expresso, started feeling chipper, and ended up serving lunch to Gordon Pinsent.

I snuck a couple extra chimichangas into his paper bag. He wore an exce
ptionally nice black hat. He was very friendly and sweet and reminded me of my Bapa. I didnt know it was him at first, I just immediately liked him and felt like he was familiar, and thought "That old fellow looks like Gordon Pinsent". I was afraid to ask him, luckily he paid by visa, and I checked out the name. "Gordon Pinsent". I whispered "I thought you looked familiar. Its so great to meet you!" and he said it was nice to have met me too and kissed my hand before leaving! We chatted for a bit before he did though, it turns out he lives just around the corner from me, albeit in a much nicer building.

After he left I shouted to the lady I was serving next, "Do you know who that was! That was Gordon Pinsent! And he kissed my hand!" and she grabbed my hand and wiped the back of it on the back of hers and said "Now we must both never wash these!"

No one else knew who the hell I was talking about though. Has no one watched Due South? Or any Canadian movie made after 1965??


Now Im going to eat a chocolate bar and go to bed because Im working a 16 hour day tomorrow, and up again at 6 on saturday.

Thankgod for Gordon Pinsent and espresso!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

'Lear M'dear

the Owl and the Pussy Cat
Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,

"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,

You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows,
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,

His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,

Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,

They danced by the light of the moon.

Isn't that a bit of loveliness? That is one of my most favourite assemblage of words. Just had a hankering to read it again, that and The Dong with a Luminous Nose.

One day, when I can draw real good like, I should like very much to illustrate one of these, or both of these. Though they do pretty much illustrate themselves, they are so visual, but I would like to put what it makes in my brain appear onto paper. Nonsense makes me happy. Nonsense makes me gay. But not in that way. Okay maybe a little bit sometimes after a drink or two.

In addition to being drawn to all things nonsense and all things of a kind of general irreverent attitude, I really enjoy things that take place on or near water. Its not JUST a pirate fetish, most of my dreams are set near lakes, when I imagine things I like to imagine them by the sea. I think in dreams water is supposed to represent your sexuality. Apparently, sexually I am cold and wet and let old men pull fish out of me. I feel most comfortable living by bodies of water. The air just smells different when you're near water. When we first moved here I felt comfortable even though we're downtown and I couldn't pinpoint why. I realized that it's because the air feels and smells the same as it does at my grandparents house in Oakville on the lake. That reminds me of this internet quiz (I know, Im a dickweed) I did a long time ago. I like it because its very short, somewhat insightful, and it deals with basic totems of human psychology which are not alone in the pile of wet nonsense as another enjoyment of mine. Its a popular one so you have all probably already done it, knowing what crazed internet quiz fiends you are. In case you havent, try it, its neat.

Walk Through The Woods

Here are my answers, if you're interested

1. Monsieur Cory
2. A horrible rat bastard squirrel
3. A stare down. I attempt to control the squirrel's very will with my mind. Or at least explode it with ultra- psychic waves. Im scared. I hide behind Cory.
4. Small but sturdy
5. No, just tall, spiky trees
6. A pile of wildflowers not cut or put in a vase yet, half read books, dirty plates
7. Shiny, shiny metal. So shiny. It looks to be a 15th century medieval goblet!
8. Pick it up and put it in the trunk of my SUV. Try to sell it later on Ebay.
9. A lake
10. Walk across it barefoot

So according to this I think Cory and I get along like a metal goblet. I turn small, furry, harmless problems into hugely outrageous obstacles that I try to solve with staring and telekinesis. I keep people out with defenses that I grow naturally in my garden. I'm a little bit happy but right now I have many chores. And I'm a horny, modern day prophet livin la vida loca, bitches.

See, internet quizzes are helping us keep it real.

I showed you mine now you show me yours! Thats how it works!

Imma go make a quiche. Outties Playaz.

Crabbia Horrida

Monday, December 3, 2007

T3rmin8R RulEz

I just read on IMDB that Christian Bale is rumoured to be the next terminator.


Blurb about it here

Also that is a
human ovum examined fresh in the liquor folliculi. Pretty eh?

And this is my Objet D'adoration and soon he will be out there, and cant be bargained with. He cant be reasoned with. He cant feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he will absolutely not stop, ever, until you are dead. *swoon*

Bloated Boasting and NM Cookies

This time of year is expensive and expansive for me. Expensive for my wallet and expansive for my tummy. Im just sitting here going over a list of cookies I am thinking of baking for christmas and yowza.. I am going to be so fat and broke hahaaaa. While narrowing down the list, every so often I will take a bite of this "raspberry and chocolate mousse tower" I got from work. Its a crunchy chocolate biscuit with a layer of bubbly chocolate mousse and over that a layer of raspberry mousse, held together in a mesh of chocolate and dusted in edible gold flakes. Im making obscene noises. Its probably embarrassing the neighbors. Such a dessert of unparalleled elegance and I cant help but wonder if my poops will be flecked with gold...

Its crazy though, the stuff Im eating. Today I was good for breakfast because our cupboards are bare, so I just have grapefruit juice and a wee apple. When I got to work! I dropped apple strudel on the floor, so I ate it. Then I dropped a chocolate hazelnut cluster on the floor, so I ate that. Im like some perverse dessert anteater. The second it hits the floor Im hoovering it up without a second thought. Its gotten so bad that if anyone at all drops anything its automatically offered to me first. Im so damn classy, OUCH! For lunch I had cookies. 2 Danish Almond Horn cookies and 2 Pistachio Florentines. Florentines are my favourite holiday cookie. My Bapa worked selling pastry supplies and at Christmas would always have these plates of cookies for us, florentines were on it. They are very thin disks of toasted nuts held together in a sweet sticky mixture of honey and sugar and then the entire bottom half is dipped in chocolate.
Mmmm. So thin and chocolateyyyyyy.

Anyway! And then for dinner I just had this crazy mousse tower fuck me in the mouth and a square of uber dense devils food cake.


Yesterday. For lunch I had cauliflower agnolotti in a caper cream sauce, a savoury cheesecake with strawberry compote, a potato latke, half a piece of miso glazed salmon steak and a very tart lemon tart. For like, $3. GAH. I love my work. I love my work. I love my work.

A girl who literally has a dozen bucks to her name until next paycheck should not be eating like the richest bitches in the city. Man O Man.

So, if any of you guys are ever feeling dodgy enough to come visit the east end, drop into cabbage town and Ill hook you up with the best butter croissant in the city. Maybe a bit of coffee. Maybe a cracked out transgendered hooker if you're hungry for that. Ill see what I can do. I will be the pimp of your sweetest desires, my darlies.

Just take the streetcar to the end of Carlton. Im always there.



OH ALSO! While Im on the subject of cookies, heres a recipe I found yesterday for Neiman Marcus's chocolate chip cookies. Now I havent tried this yet but I have read rave reviews on a few sites from people who have. Just thought you might be interested.

Neiman Marcus Chocolate Chip Cookie


1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1 cup light brown sugar
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 large egg
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1-3/4 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1-1/2 teaspoons instant espresso coffee powder
1-1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips


1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Cream the butter with the sugars using an electric mixer on medium speed until fluffy (approximately 30 seconds)

2. Beat in the egg and the vanilla extract for another 30 seconds.

3. In a mixing bowl, sift together the dry ingredients and beat into the butter mixture at low speed for about 15 seconds. Stir in the espresso coffee powder and chocolate chips.

4. Using a 1 ounce scoop or a 2 tablespoon measure, drop cookie dough onto a greased cookie sheet about 3 inches apart. Gently press down on the dough with the back of a spoon to spread out into a 2 inch circle. Bake for about 20 minutes or until nicely browned around the edges. Bake a little longer for a crispier cookie.

Yield: 2 dozen cookies

Friday, November 30, 2007

Something on the T Button

It's not from me.

Man, I was given a bottle of eggnog FOR FREE at work last week! And I forgot it in the fridge there until today. I gave up hope that it was still fresh and delicious, and felt a momentary shock of fear and loathing for myself upon discovering it behind the ceasar salads. I brought it home anyway, and just had a peek at the Best Before date and its good until next April

What the fuck. This is just cream and eggs right? Jesus christ, the preservation powers of nutmeg and christmas cheer are stunning. Does that not seem unnatural to anyone else though? My milk lasts until january, my bread for 2 weeks and I have had a bag of carrots in the fridge for a month that are still as stiff as my dick at my first Spice Girls concert. My tomatoes however seem to only last a day or two. Fuck you tomatoes, you pathetic sons of bitches. You will rue the day you spoiled on me! I was going to fry you up with an egg but you can just THINK AGAIN if you think THATS ever going to happen, you rotten bastards. Damn it.

Im really hungry. A bottle of egg nog is probably a poor choice for dinner, speaking strictly on a nutritional level here, I know its a fucking sweet ass dinner in other forms of theory. I WONT be a lazy cunt, and I WILL make a cheese sammich.

While Im gone, watch this. Its as delicious as a cheese sammich, so it will be like youre eating along with me.

You know you funky as a mosquito's tweeter
You got a mouth like a herd of boll weevils

Mississippi, God Damn! I love Nina Simone. And I love Cheese. Fuck!

So I know I hinted yesterday that today I would be fruity and In Any Way Interesting and Worth The Bother. AWIOWTB. Aweeowtiby. I guess Im a damn liar. I am however, very full of fruit. I have been eating so much fruit. It inspired this bit of poetry, 10 minutes prior.

4 I need a Pee
Or a Poo
Number 2
So don't hold your breath

Yeah, pretty great.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Creepying Von Slungriness

I miss learning things. Ive been out of a school type environment so long that it feels like everyday little bits of my brain are crumbling and falling away into nothingness. It's like Fantagia. Ya know, from The Never Ending Story. Ya know, the 1985 International Fantasy Award Winner? The second one starred acclaimed actor Jonathan Brandis as the troubled teen who is sucked into a fantasy world upon discovering a mysterious book? He was so sexually attractive. Now hes dead. Not as sexually attractive. God he had eyes like the brilliant azure sky, and his hair! By Christ, blonde and feathered. A 12 year old adonis, to be sure. Damn it, Brandis!
Anyway, so now I'm dumb and have a hard on for a dead 12 year old boy. Alas. I can't remember what I was originally going to write about here. I think it was going to get to talking about portmanteaux in a roundabout kind of way. Now I am distracted by a hazy recollection of already having written a blog about Jonathan Brandis. Do I perhaps have a dangerous obsession with this mortified moppet of golden hair and flawless skin? Eeeee... I wouldn't blame me if I did. Hot T.

Oooou Im so bad!

I went home to Barrie for a few days this week and made cookies with me Pa. Quite Good Fun. We made a couple batches of chocolate chip and some brown sugar shortbreads with orange chocolate tops. Very nice. I got out my Nan's cookies and cakes recipe collection and flipped through it for a while. It is like the Bible of Christmas. I can taste every recipe in it just by seeing it. Each one has little notes about how successful it was in my Nans handwriting. Apple Streusal Coffee Cake, almond crescents, shortbreads, sugar cookies, thumbprint cookies, gingerbread mmmmm. Im excited to do some baking, my apartment is so small though. I dont even know if I own a cookie sheet... I think I do.... Yeah, I do. I have big plans to make truffles this December, despite The Great Truffle Debacle of 05'. We'll see.

I dont really have anything too interesting to share with you guys today. Havent been doing too much. Dont even have some music I dont think. Maybe tomorrow will be more fruitful. Mmm, fruit. Bye.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Hola Koolaid!


Totally plogging on Kara's blog and she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.

James Blunt Rules.

Alden out.

Crafty Crafter Crafts!

Warfract rules, okay?

Guest Blog Part Doou

How do you spell TWO in french? DOOOOuuuh

I dont think you understand how blogs work kristy. Youre just kind of saying whatever shite comes to you. This has to be like, good stuff man. People are actually reading this right now. Millions and hundreds of dozens of people. Or... Amanda Ives. And some pervert internet stalker named Wendy77. P.S Wendy, I know I said I couldnt get enough of your tranny porn pictures, but, that was before you started sharing, so.. cut back a bit. I cant look at chickdick while eating cereal at 6am. Sometime after lunch would be perfect.


Why you sad? Why you sad? I don't like washing undies.



You fuckin said it. Come ON! Say something fucking REASONABLE! Can you speak english??? Okay, fuckin, tell us about something damn it. How was your day?

Boring. One word answers only.

Okay..... you fucking suck. Suck my cock. Suck it suck it suck it suck it

I'm telling mom.

You are a turpy bitch.

You spelled twirpy wrong. TURP TURP

AHHHHHHHHHHHH I meant fucking TURPY! Youve never heard that word before??? TO TURP! A turper. From latin, turpis...



My favourite thing is... beating the shit out of Kara PERIOD

My period? WTF! You are obsessed with vaginal bleeding.

Oh shut up.

Well expand your fucking horizons some... jesus. You are weird. Seriously weird. God this is so boring, if this is how Guest Blogs are going to go, Im out man, I quit. This is so boring.

Im Kristy I have a bunny his name is beans.

Thats not even funny.

Im going to write all this stuff I just read on this piece of paper by your computer...

Some sort of.. fucking.. ingredient list??

- Jumper Cables XL
- 2 Thorium Widgets
- 2 Truesilver Transformers
- 2 Fused Wiring
- Ironweb Spider Silk
- 2 Star Rubies

1 Tericonme
2 Felwood
1 Imbued Vial

WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? What IS this? Some weird pagan bomb list??? Oh my god youre a terrorist! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My sister is a wiccan Al Queda member!

Hum hum hum hum hum.

Why does it say Rick James after all this shit??? What the fuck does Rick James have to do with it?????? This is so weird. YOU ARE SO WEIRD.

I am Rick James, Bitch.

Do you have anything other than pop culture references to offer to my blog???

AH FUCK YOU *Dizzy Wheezing*

Well you stop saying it. Are you going to tie me up with Ironweb Spider silk, stick extra Large jumper cables to my nipples and transform me into Rick James with your Star Ruby??

You have found my recipe for Rick James.

Rick James is made of.. 2 Thorium Widgets? Thats my favourite one by the way.

I need a break.

I need .. ANSWERS. But Im still too scared to process any new information.

This concludes Karalalala's First Guest Blog.

I think it sucked!

Pocket Bean Lamp Running Up Frame OH NO!

Today something SPECIAL! My very first Guest Blog!! By, my sister.

Kristy, this is YOUR BLOG! GO!

"Oh no, he has a hole in his neck..."

Okay seriously this is your blog Kristy, so, Im typing what youre saying. Okay now Im green so you have to be another colour. What colour?

Purple? No, Blue. Red.

This offensive red colour?

Hm hm hm hm yes. Period.

What? Red period? Thats gross. And innapropriate. You have sullied my blog ALREADY! Its been 15 fuckin seconds. Okay, so, go on. Share with us, something interesting, intimate or irrational.

I'm in love with every boy.

No youre not, Piss, you're gay, remember?


Do you like pickles?

.............................. huh huh huh huh uhhh no. HUM HUM its sounds like Im doing something very wrong. Talking about periods and boys? I hate you.

*Brief Interlude*

Dont worry, she'll be back.. she cant keep away from the temptation of guest blogging for long.


Are you still typing? I bring chocolate! Oh god, you actually are still typing.

Yeah and its just now, that you left, starting to get really juicy.

*Both Eat Chocolate*

Thursday, November 22, 2007

In the Key of G Funk

I wrote some songs, just now, as Im writing it. It goes a little something like this

Pisstabbles, O Pisstabbles
My Sister, Sweet Piss
You ran at top speeds
Fists clenched
Curly hair trying to keep up
You could have been a Doctor
But you are just a Doolittle!

Lazy cow, get a job! You cant afford to buy me Christmas presents without any money! GOD!

Bobby Bo Peep
Please Go to Sleep
You Stay up Too Late
I Can't Hardly Wait
Til' You're Giving me Christmas Presents, MOTHER FUCKER! GET A DAMN JOB!

I want to go home and play with my Dog and punch ma sister in the face! Im going to hit you all with a newspaper until you realize the error of your ways. DONT POLLUTE!

BUY LOCAL PRODUCE! Carbon FOOTPRINTS people. Your feet fucking STINK get them off the COUCH!

I put Christmas lights up, they are so pretty. Im feelin' the spirit this year. The Christmas spirit, not some ghosts or anything. Though I do think this building is haunted.. by cats. I see dozens of ghost cats in the hallways, out of the corner of my eye. Some cat lady must have died here or something. Cheese is on sale at Dominion this week, the good stuff too, Cracker Barrell, $2. Do you find this as arousing as I do? Speaking of aroused, Amanda and I are having lunch tomorrow, and Im excited for this. Im going to have a beer IN THE AFTERNOON and make inappropriate faces until Amanda is forced to take a moment to re-evaluate how much she is willing to put up with for this relationship. Hahaha! I dont think shes even ever done that.. silly goat.

Silly... billy.. goat..........

Why arent I rich yet?!

Im doing a painting next week.. its got an old dude in it, in his underpants, it should be Any Good. Heres hoping anyway. I just need to grab the canvas from home and then I shall Begin. Ou la fuckin la. Also I think I may start to learn french.

Anyone who wants a christmas card this year email me your dang address!
karalackie@gmail.com duh

Thats enough blog for now. Heres some real songs.

Switchen in the Kitchen -Don "Pretty Boy" Covay

Old timey Kentucky Style
Diamond Hoo Ha Man - Supergrass
Supergrass are just Supercool, although starting to sound increasingly like The Killers
Unkol James Brown - Tjupurru
Didgeridooooooo woppa doo wa doo baby yeah
Our Love is Here to Stay - Blossom Dearie
One of the cutest voices of all time
Wind is Wild - Nina Simone
Gives me goosebumps in waves of pleasure

First snow in Toronto

Oh! There's snow! There's snow!

Its on the ground!

And everything!

Its been so lovely, this first snow. Those big, slow, fluffy flakes that melt instantly all over your face as soon as you look up. I love the look of beech trees this time of year, with their dark trunks and yellow leaves, each one holding a little pile of snow. Even in the city things seem so much quieter and more peaceful with an inch of snow on the ground. Okay, maybe not quite an inch yet, but its getting there. I enjoyed my walk to work so much this morning. It was still dark, and dead quiet, and I could see my footprints which is a novelty to a paranoid like me every year. I checked to see if my feet were straight when I walked (My nan always chided me on having my feet pointing outwards while I walked), and fought the temptation to throw any followers off with elaborate tricks like walking backwards in circles, doubling over my own prints. Mine were the only ones all the way to work though, for the exception of pigeon and raccoon tracks. Cory said he knew it was going to snow last night when I opened the curtains a bit around 1am and the clouds had that orange hue. During public school it was the colour you saw when you woke up and knew you had a precious and elusive Snow Day. It very much feels like November. Today is the kind of day that makes me want to just lay around on the couch under a blanket reading The Brothers Karamazov, because this cold freshness in the city and everyone walking around all bundled up in fur hats, I like to pretend Im in Russia. But only in pretend because actual Russia scares the balls off me. Is "only in a pretend" a phrase? Wtf

A lady told me how to say "Have a nice day, and keep warm!" in french at work so I have been telling people at every available opportunity "Bon journee et restes chaud!"

It would be my Nan's birthday today. I thought of her when I heard the first of many JFK assassination reference of the day. She always hated thats so much. Work was okay, Im sleepy though. And sore. Wah wah wah. Im tired of christmas music already. I GOT A PACKAGE in the mail. Inside was 7 small presents, wrapped in shiny purple paper. Its from a swap with a lady in Norfolk, England. I am only allowed to open one a day, and todays was a package of those After Eightesque mint sticks. Which was suitable for a wintery day like this, festive an all that. The only thing better than mail, is mail with presents inside. Presents from England. Lalalaaaaa

Im going to go lay in bed and pet the one eyed kittens curly belly. And maaaaybe open another present! Peace out, home skillets.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Happy Birthday, David!

Almost missed it.
Remember, old dudes rule ok?
Heh heh

Be wary, very very wary.

And now for a public service announcement.

So, I live downtown. Things here are nice. Everything you could possibly want is within walking distance, its where everything is happening, theres so much to see. With this convenience there is the price tag of the occasional gang related shooting, aggressive homeless folks stealing muffins right out of your hand, apartments randomly going up in flames, and the entire park full of crack addicts and/or prostitutes a couple hundred yards away. Every day, I walk to work in fear. Though it is truth that my fear is not caused by any of these things of which I have just spoken. My fear occurs two to four times daily as I walk past the Urban Cornerstone Presbyterian Church on the corner of Bleaker and Carlton. This is where Satan lives and breeds.

Its about seven in the morning. The sun is starting to peek out. Looks to be a lovely day. Im awake; bright eyed thanks to Visine, bushy-tailed thanks to Maxwell House. Im practically fucking skipping to work on a cloud. I walk along beside a fence lined in a row of puffy pigeons, fat and fluffy from pre-winter gorging on garbage. Usually there is elderly Chinese person from the building across from ours tossing peanuts to the squirrels that live in the garden of the Presbyterian church. I usually smile at them and they usually dont see me. Today I didnt see them. Just the squirrels. Many of them, all waiting behind the fence. Curious, I stopped to have a look at them. Theres something a bit off about Toronto squirrels. They all stand around on their hind legs with their arms folded in front of them like an old woman clutches a purse to her chest when she walks by a group of black men. So theres a group of these wee guys, standing there on their back legs looking at me looking at them, with their beady black eyes and their shabby cuteness. I take a step closer, and one of them runs under the fence and rests his hands on my shoe. Adorable. A second one, full of wonderment, comes to check me out. And then a third and a forth and the first one is running up my leg and the second one is jumping on my body and they are all leaping toward and me scurrying around my body with their tiny strong bodies and freaky little squirrell claws. I just scream and scream and take the fuck off out of there as fast as I can.

Fucking squirrels! GOD DAMN IT! Now every time I go past that church, one of them gives me in the eye and follows me while I walk. Its fucking menacing. God to have them running all over you, it was so sick and terrifying. I thought they were going to eat me. Jesus. Now I have gay couples laughing at me while I run away from tiny church squirrels. But it was traumatizing, and the rat bastards cant wait to crawl on me again. It must be because I smell like a bakery.

So, General Public, watch out for squirrels. They want to eat their way under your flesh and hibernate in your warm, warm muscles for the winter. If you do see a squirrel, do not stop, and do not make eye contact. Just walk briskly to your nearest police station until the danger has past. OMG.

Lets Rack'em Up!

Things Spilled
- Carton of Milk (2%)
- 8 coffees (1 small, 6 large, 1 latte)
- 1 glass of water
- My entire detox tea (cold)
- Greek Salad

Things Broken
- 1 drinking glass
- 1 pair of rubber gloves (water too hot, melted fingertips)

- 1 bent back nail
- 1 cut from broken glass on ankle
- 1 book corner in the eye
- generally sore back and feet

Saturday, November 17, 2007


Damn you, Tatu! Damn you!

The Caress Timid and Ineffectual

Saturdayyyy exciting day its saturday EXCITING DAY saturdayyyyyy.

Hey, its saturday.

That means, tomorrow is my day off. These days many things are the cause of my happiness, but this folks, is the cherry on my sundae. My sunday is a sundae, of happiness. Its a metaphor. And/or a pun.

For that last mix I did, you know, the shite one that wasnt worth the bother, I included a bonus cd of all the songs Im listening to repeatedly lately. Kind of like a musical journal. Even though journals of any kind are SO LAME. I mean, who cares what you do, think or feel, right? Anyway, so, I mailed to my swap partners a secondary disk, wrapped in clown cupcake themed birthday paper. T
o make up for the general shititude of the instrumental mix. I offer it to you in a .zip file! Take it if you mean to be ENLIGHTENED BY SOUND. Most of these Ive actually posted as mp3s in past blogs so its a bit of a waste of time, but whatever, fuck you, its free, take it anyway. Its in a nice neat package now.

November Mix

1. Chick Habit - April March
2. Toxic - Mark Ronson ft. ODB
3. Megacolon - Fischerspooner
4. Cripple and The Starfish
5. C'mon Sea Legs - Immaculate Machine
6. Black Wave - The Raveonettes
7. Knife - The Heartbeats
8. There She Goes (The Little Heartache) - Pete Doherty
9. Find Love - Clem Snide
10. The Guns of Brixton - The Clash
11. I Was a Boy - The How
12. Lullabye - Grizzly Bear
13. Parachute - Sean Lennon
14. Pearly Dewdrops' Drops - Cocteau Twins
15. White Chalk - PJ Harvey
16. Untitled Love Song - Angels of Light
17. La Vie En Rose - Louis Armstrong

Download This and Listen To It Til You Puke On Someone You Love But Who Does Not Love You Back Mostly Because You Just Puked On Them

I miss beer. And my family. Hey you guys I might come up next monday, if I can swing it with The Boss Lady.

All day at work today the radio was playing christmas music. I hate christmas when its not christmas. Usually it gives me a gross sinking feeling. Today it just made me crave some Christmas Goodtimes. So I went straight from work and bought some LED christmas lights to hang around my window. It gives a romantic, and festive, glow to things here I think. I also bought some food, cause we have literally nothing to eat here. Cory mentioned the other day, and it hadnt dawned on me yet but its just starting sink in... we're poor. Like seriously poor. Destitute. It didnt even dawn on me when I went out the other night for bread and an ice cream cone and didnt have enough money on my debit card, in my wallet or on my visa to afford it. How do people fucking afford LIFE? Life beyond a can of kidney beans and a pack of Red Hots for dinner, life beyond stealing movies off the internet instead of going to see one, life beyond library cards, No Frills, reusing EVERYTHING, stealing food from work, stealing in general... its mental dude. I mean, we're okay, we're doing splendidly, but thats only because we dont DO anything. What about people who crave social interaction and go out to bars and need fancy clothes so they look attractive and hair gels and spraycan deodorants and all those ritzy things. Man. How do they do it. How do people with KIDS do it? Gahhhhh.


For now I've got my Lady Speedstick on and my cleanest Reebok Sweatshirt, and Im off to get as drunk as $8.76 will get me in this town!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Sexploitation Movies and Goats

I had a weird dream last night that was like a lost episode of Buffy. Cory and I went to this party in some kids dorm, and this elongated goat showed up. Ya know, like if a goat was made of silly putty, and someone grabbed either end and strrrrretched it. Only it wasnt made of silly putty, it was just made of a goat. Anyway, this giant orange worm demon from hell was hunting the goat, and totally crashed the party. Literally. It broke all the walls. Naturally it slaughtered everyone there, in order to eat this long goat. There was guts everywhere, I was covered in blood. Torsos everywhere. Super big mess. I didnt stick around to help clean up after though, I got the fuck out of that man. I didnt need any of that noise, know what I mean? I was just there to have a good time. Im kidding, Im pretty sure I was killed by this worm demon. I hear youre not supposed to die in your dreams though. Like if you die in your dream you die in real life. I die all the time in my dreams though, I just wake up when I die.

Anyway, so
everyone who is my family, ignore the rest of this blog, but I had to post this.

Don't even THINK of asking me how I found it, please just assume my innocence. And without further ado, I present to you, a collection of old-tymey sexploitation film trailers.

How sweet.

Bedazzled Blog

In case you are nervous, here is a taste of what you may find there. It is a movie trailer for a film called The Weird Lovemakers. Dont worry, this is nothing you would get fired for if you looked at it at work. Everyone in the office will just think you are a fucking weird freak dork.


And here's one for you, Mazzo.

"Michelle. A girl who lives at the edge of terror. Michelle. A girl whose beauty is a legend. Whose passion is boundless. All men are this girls slaves. Michelle conquers with the wildest passion ever."

Speaking of weird lovemakers. Two dudes just moved in on this floor, and, they play super loud music all the time. Cory and I are both pretty sure they do this to cover up their gay sex sounds. Which is fine, but Id much rather hear "Oh yeah, oh baby, you are thoooo thexy" all day than Tatu's "They're not going to get us" or whatever they are squeeling about in repitition at 95 decibels. You know what Tatu, I wouldn't be so fucking cocky, you faux-dyke bitches, because one of these days you ARE going to get it, and Im going to give it to you. Right in your tiny porcelain doll, girl kissing, dirty Rusky faces. Seriously.

Also, The Brother has inspired me to start posting the mixes I do for my Swap-bot swaps. The last one I did was a week or so ago but here it is anyway. Not my best mix ever. Perhaps not even remotely nice to listen to. But it was all the junk I had laying around that didnt have words. I learned that I appreciate words in my music.

Wordless Swap (for songs with no words)

1. La Boulange - Yann Tiersen
2. Thrift Shop Warrior - J. Ralph
3. A Whiter Shade of Pale - King Curtis
4. Ghostwriter - RJD2
5. Shadrach - Beastie Boys
6. Community Centre Shuffle - Low in the Sky
7. Fruit Tree Tea - Robjn
8. Sleepwalk - Santo and Johnny
9. The Lonely Shepard - Zamfir
10. She Woolf Daydreaming - Kid Loco
11. Woody Woodpecker - Dan Deacon
12. Throw it on a Fire - Bell Ochestre
13. Score - Black Grass
14. Moon of Shedding Ponies - Headdress
15. Prelude in C# Minor - Rachmaninov
16. The Crypt - Philip Glass
17. Bestiality - Ennio Morricone
18. Another Ballad for Heavy Lids - Stars of the Lid
19. Farewell - Apocalyptica

P.S Amanda stinks. That was a test to see if you are paying attention. Also I want everyone to know you stink.

ALSO I didnt even go to life drawing class like I yammered on and on and on about last blogtime. Im a fucking failure man. Haha Failure Man. Worst superhero ever. What is the emoticon for bitter regret?


The Bringer of Song!

YAY! Finally, someone has brung the song.

The song has been brought.

Who brought it?

Why, who else would bring the song? The Bringer of the Song brought the song!

Bring bring.

Bring bring.

Brong brong.

Yes, my brother has started a music blog! This is exciting for all you fans of girl music. So if Clambuzz didnt promise you enough girls and guitars, here is a place of solace for you at last. Im kidding, they both listen to good music. Most of the time.

Not nearly enough Alice Cooper though.

I ate potato leek soup for lunch 9 hours ago and still feel sick... Im poisoned. I may die.

Anyway, go, let the song be brought to you, and rejoice!

Brought bright broot.

Ladies and Gentle Mans,

The Bringer of SONG!

Or http://thebringerofsong.blogspot.com/ if you are too chickenshit to click on a link Ive given you for no good reason.

Thursday, November 15, 2007



Haha Spiderman by the sea in a cute headlock with James Jonah Jameson as a Teddy Bear Robot. What the heck.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007




Monday, November 12, 2007

Oh Baby I Like It Raw

Where are all the naked people at?

Ive been looking for a life drawing class lately. This has proven more difficult than I had estimated. Somehow in this city full of degenerates none of them are willing to disrobe and have their naughty bits articulated mercilessly with a 2b pencil. WTF.

Anyway I think I just lucked out and found the main one that goes on in this city. It takes place every Wednesday at 8pm at a hotel on Queen Street West called The Gladstone. This place is pretty art von farty. They have live music and art showings there, and currently, CURRENTLY they have one artist whoooom I have had the pleasure to adore in person. The lady who taught me how to use bees wax as paint and expressively paint thistles with ink without any kind of self consciousness, the one and only, Loo-py!

<=== That's her right there, looking out surreptitiously. Just like all the time! How uncanny is it that I found my life
drawing class the same week Lupe is showing her stuff.


Im excited.

Cory and I are going to take a mosey on over there tomorrow and check it out. Yayyyyy! On the way he is going to give me my first less
on in photography using my Moms old camera. Ive never really been into photographizing on my own, so this should be fun. Hes already mumbling to me about reciprocity in a sinister way while winding the cameras windy thing. Nerd.

Also I am incredibly broke. Thank god pay day is tomorrow. I got a haircut today and had to leave after and run to the bank, which was futile because the little pocket in the bank that I keep my money in is empty lately, then run aa
aall the way home and search the couch and under the bed and Corys jacket for money to pay for it. Handing a hairstylist a ziplock baggy full of quarters as a tip is embarrassing. Plus I just lost all my fucking laundry quarters.

My hair is sextastic though.

Kristy if youre reading this, next time you want a really good haircut by someone who knows what the hell they are doing, I now have a place for you.

This week in the city:
- I have seen a prostitute in thigh
high white leather boots lean into a cop car window (how NYPD Blue!)
- There was a shooting on our block
- There was a house fire in which someone died on our block (I got to watch it courtesy of my favourite cake shop customer's cell phone video, the bugger stood there and video'd it, ha)
- There was a mous
e in our house. The one eyed kitten ferociously vanquished it, with haste.
- My wife BLONDIE and my husband MOS DEF are playing The Phoenix, right across the fucking street. Im going to be arrested this week.
- A half dozen random old people said "slow down, you'll live longer" to me on the street. Apparently I walk in a hurried fashion. Or maybe they are just stupid, slow old fucks who should mind themselves lest they get a beating like it was 1903. Knowmsayin? BANG BANG.
- I gave a total of $6.50
to random hard luck stories I came across.
- I ate creme brooo-lay.
- I saw Lars and
the Real Girl with Amanda. It was the most adorable movie in the history of the world. I was expecting cheesiness and awkward Farrelly Brothers type humour but it was sweet and good. Probably my favourite movie of all time ever to be seen by me in my life ever bar none.

I want to go home and hang up Christmas lights. I'll post any pictures I take on the walk tomorrow, for formal critiquing.

And Remember, if you go carryin' pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow.

Thankyou that will be all

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Case of The Boiled Tomato

Ive been hearing this strange noise for about 45 minutes. I cant place it, its like a furious whooshing. Like a tiny train getting closer and closer.. like a tiny steam powered train.. like.. steam.. like my... electric kettle. Like my kettle, top busted open, boiling water like boiling water is going out of style. I walked into the living room to find fogged windows, my electric kettle whooshing and whirring and jittering out of control on its base like a crack addict in a crack store. I forgot I was going to make tea an hour ago. Usually when I forget about my tea its during the liquid in cup stage, this is new for me. Oops.

Anyway, there was a tomato on the windowledge above my kettle and it boiled half of it. Which suits me because I was going to fry it up with some eggs later on. Im an idiot though.

The last blog post didnt have any music pillaged from someone elses blog at all, I do apologize. Are you ready for some super dynamite sound?

GET THIS FIRST cause if you haven't heard it you should: Chick Habit - April March

Music is My Hot Sex - CSS

It's Not Over - The Klaxons
Isle of Her - The Klaxons
Strawberries - Asobi Seksu
Shake it Over and Over -Diplo
Where is Home - Bloc Party (Diplo Remix)
The Motherfucking Rave is Over - Pase Rock (Diplo Remix)
Pass this On - The Knife

And eh, I dunno what else, I dunno, maybe, I dunno, maybe a little....

MISSY b sPEARS mOther Fuckars

Freakshow - Britney Spears

This ain't no Rodeo.

Actually it is. I lied, I'm a liar.

It is my immense pleasure, the kind that you see another person having and look away awkwardly at the time but think back on it later when you're alone, to introduce....



Or http://bullinleather.blogspot.com if you do prefer. And you just may. Thats alright.

It seems to be a mishmash of poetry, reviews of children's television programming and ABSOLUTE MAYHEM. Also her catchphrase is "The Rodeo is a Go-eo".


In an unrelated but equally as thrilling note, we have mice. Well, a mouse. In the closet. Sometimes. Don't freak out. The one-eyed kitten is a Vicious Hunter Killer of Death Dying and shes keeping an eye on things, so I feel safe. Haha.. an eye.. cause thats all the eyes shes got. Thats why her name is what it is...

I ate some tiramisu earlier it was great.

Thats all really.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Bitch Please.

I am very happy, so please hit me.

Listen to this stuff okay??

Toxic - Mark Ronson ft. Old Dirty Bastard

Valerie - Mark Ronson with Amy Winehouse

And a bit more...

Megacolon - Fischerspooner
Poop anthem

Cripple and the Starfish - Antony & The Johnsons

Jarvis Cocker reading "The Mouse, The Bird and the Sausage"
Purrrrrrrrr sausage

Monday, November 5, 2007

A Bouquet of Hairy Balls

So Pottery Barn is for rich people, isnt it. How come no one told me that? I spent $13 on a fecking glass today, like an idiot. Though, in the process I did learn a bit about the history of the martini glass, and you cant put a price tag on knowledge. It was all decorated like christmas, with christmas carols playing and all. Fucking sick. My glass is awesome though.. its red.

I also bought a christmas tree ornament, in the spirit of the holiday which apparently starts the second the first pumpkin hits the curb now.

Check it out though, its so sweet!

Nothing says christmas like pickles!

What else happened today.....

Cory sighed at me a lot... punched my stomach and my face.. threatened to pee and rub and apple core on me.... not at the same time. He cant pee an apple core. Like hes ever fuckin tried. All because I insinuated hes not a big business fat cat. Im abused.

I sneezed on his computer though hahahahahahaa

Oh also the strangling, the joke that crossed the line across my windpipe. Also hilarious.

And in the immortal works of TV

- Television Movie

Oh yeah, I drank my Monty Python beer. At first it tasted like tar chicken wings, but mellowed out as I got drunker. I recommend it.

I guess thats it.

Stay tuned for more woe-some tales, and to make sure Im still alive. Please. He may take the funny joke too far... sometimes.. he doesnt laugh..


Sunday, November 4, 2007

Goulash Awesomeness

Today I made Goulash and breaded noodles, it was wicked good. Yeah, I am a good cooker.

Things I love about the world today:

Nuts for Trucks!

That picture of Patrick Swayze.

Caffeinated Soap!

Unicorn flavoured chewing gum!


I had a cup of tea today, called 'Cloud 9" from a herbal apothecary in Massachusetts that was sent to me in the mail. Maybe it was the kava kava, maybe the poppy, but it made me verrry relaxed. Good Stuff. Come over and Ill make you some.

But not right now, I have no pants on. Unless you're cool with that. Why are you so cool with that?? Pervert.

Tattoo Stuff!

It was my managers last day on saturday, and before she left she asked me to draw her a tattoo idea she had. She liked what I did for her, and it gave me that old tattoo itch. Maybe while putting together a portfolio for Sheridan I should put one together geared more towards the tattoo design end of the art spectrum.. and just casually drop by tattoo shops. Im sure Ill be laughed at or ignored though. I dont really fit the 'tattoo artist' profile. I dont even WANT a tattoo I just want to do them on others. I dunno. Its just in the back of my head a lot. The tattoo I did for her was a campfire with a dreamcatcher in the flames. Kinda neat.

Umm what else.. oh man yeah, Breaded Noodles!

Whenever I try to explain this to someone who has never had them they look at me like Im stunned and refuse to believe this is the most addictive substance on earth.

Try it though, go now. Go cook some noodles, and while they are boiling away, put a good amount of butter in a wee pot. When it gets bubbly, add a bunch of breadcrumbs-- you want it to be not too thick a breadcrumby paste at the end, still mushy like. Let that just cook very gently while your noodles are noodlefying. Basically youre toasting the breadcrumbs, and it should be done by the time your noodles are. Youll be able to tell, they will get darker and start smelling gooood. Then, drain the noodles of water and add the breadcrumbs and some salt and pepper and voila!!

So freaking good.

Cory is currently devising a way of evolving this into macaroni and cheese. I'll keep you posted.

Thats it! Bye.

Friday, November 2, 2007


I am so fucking sick of hearing about fucking ham all the fucking live long DAY LONG










Ill kill you

Ill come over there


no i will not carve the name of a teenage pop singer in my arm.

I am not an insufferable douche. I dont know how to spell douche. DOOOSHHHH

Is it french? Oh it is.. okay.. it would be french wouldnt it, all that smelly french cooch.

Its just french for shower?







- Kara



Hear crickets outside...

WHAT THE HELL!? Is this possible?

Its not is it.



Its not


ICE CRICKETS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELP! Help! Help me! HELP!

Thursday, November 1, 2007


Attack of the 50 Foot Woman Brownies

1/2 cup softened butter
3/4 cup sifted flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
6 Tablespoons cocoa
2 Tablespoons oil
2 teaspoons vanilla

Stick the oven to 350. Grease an 8 inch square backing dish. Beat sugar and butter until creamy then gradually add the eggs, beating until the mixture is nice and smooth and fluffy. Add the cocoa, vanilla and oil. Then add the flour and salt in 2 or 3 parts, mixing well after each addition. Pour batter into pan and bake for about 15 minutes or until a knife inserted in the centre comes out clean.. or a plastic Ikea chopstick in Tangerine Orange, in my case. Let cool 10 minutes before slicing.

These are the brownies I made on halloween. Ive made them a couple of times before, and its a very decent recipe. It doesn't have a lot of ingredients, for poor girls like me thats good. The only thing is, its not very good warm.. which .. ya know.. warm gooey brownies is the whole point. Its not a major setback though as they are fucking delicious from the fridge the next day. This would be nice with chocolate chips in too.

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Nothing Good Happens in November

Theres no sign of life
Its just the power to charm
Im lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try, I try

November 1st is so abrupt. Halloween is not happening anymore, your pumpkins are supposed to be in the garbage, theres nothing more to look forward to too. Two Tu. I didnt even get any fuckin' candy! WHAT A WASTE.

I dont like it.

Cory came home early from school with grocery bags full of ingredients for making nachos, and a whole barbecued chicken. So in protest of this cursed day I have spent it by doing nothing but eating a gigaaaantic plate of Nachos a la Cory and falling asleep in the middle of the day. I dreamed I got my brother a job at this resort by somehow convincing the woman that owned it that his bumbling incapacity to perform even the most minor of everyday tasks is charming and the guests will find him adorable. Also she had a droopy faced dog I pet for a long time. Dreams are so unrealistic.

I literally just got up and my tongue is covered in a layer of gunge. Ive had patches of David Bowie's "Modern Love" looping around my head today. I feel bloated in a way only nachos can bring upon an earthbound body and am contemplating some pants and a very brisk stroll outside to shake this foggy feeling.

Halloween was Wicked Cool, despite its devastating lack of candy treats. I know Amanda and Brittaney if you're reading this, and you're not, you wanted me to come out with you but I just wasn't feelin' it dawgs. I lost my man eyed lady glasses and therefore had no costume and I just couldnt disappoint people like that, ya know? I just came home, made some brownies. Cory and I poured a couple of outrageously large glasses of milk and laid in bed eating brownies and milk and watching Masters of Horror. It was really very nice. I know, his lame is rubbing off on me. Also Masters of Horrow rules, by the way.

Here's some songs. The Heartbeats have been switching spots in my brain with Modern Love as top catchy tune. I love this cover of California Dreamin'. The last one, Rose Hip November is a wispy pagan tune with fairy flutes and all that jazz, to get you into the spirit of this totally crap month. Nothing good ever happens in November. I don't like it.

Also I officially purchased Caller ID for my phone so if I don't answer your call now you know its on purpose. Or Im having a poop or something. Let your imagination run wild!

I Was a Boy - How
Modern Love - Last Town Chorus
Alarm - Film

Knife - The Heartbeats
I Picked a Flower - Jarvis Cocker
California Dreaming - Lee Moses
Rose Hip November - Vashti Bunyan


And a girly cover for the Brudda.

Book of Love - Rebecca Scott (Magnetic Fields Cover)

Piss, whats your latest life endeavor?