Monday, February 26, 2007

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oscar is my Dogs Name

Im finding Clint Eastwood particularly embarrassing annnnd I dont speak Italian so instead of watching the Oscars Ive decided to drink a beer and watch a pelican eat a pigeon over and over again.

Also, I might make this.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Aye Em Jobbed. Watch out Cogeco cable and Voip customers, I am now at your service.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007



Monday, February 19, 2007

We Are Engaged In The Process Known To You As Love

Hello dudes,

Today was a successful day!

I have come to define success to be actually accomplishing anything whatsoever no matter how small and insignificant to the grande scheme-- because there is no grande scheme, just a whole long lot of floating around willy nilly while my brain tries to determine which direction is up and which is down, which east, which west, when in fact that is futi
le because it doesnt matter anyway, I am where I am. Im only ever going to be slightly further than that no matter the direction, not to say its a waste of time because thats relative anyway isnt it, we've determined that much havent we, havent we, and it IS what it IS. How can you argue with that? Just try, I fucking DARE you to try!

Also I had a lovely day out. It started off with omelettes, as all really excellent days do. Then I played a HIGHLY professional photographers object for some photographs. The lights, the glamour, the fans blowing wind through my silky blonde tresses, the being uncomfortably close to strangers while they flash bright lights in my eyes for hours.... it was good though, and I drew all over the chalkboard weeEeEE

Gosh thats a bit wacky.

THEN I accompanied a flame haired maiden, rosey of cheek and cheeky of nature to The Big City, Trrrrahno, to an audition for a little independent film about schizoid tennis players. Or something. It was very quick but she was great. I have my fingers crossed more tightly for the childrens science show spot though, that would be awesome.

AND THEN--actually prior to the whole audition thing, but time is relative like I JUST explained, things that happen after happen before sometimes-- BUT we ate food in the Rainforest cafe! It was great! Animatronic animals randomly bursting into I dont know, animal noises. Small redheaded little boys with glasses mesmorized by the fake rainstorm that goes on every half hour. Butterflies flapping on big ol paper mache like trees and stars and crazy wooden chairs and leaves all over the walls. Excellent nachos. Kiwi Bubble tea. Subway adventures. We made it back alive, very successful day. My blog is crap why are you reading this dribble.

Three Scientific Facts for Today:

1. I am omnisexual. I would have sex with a tree, or a grain of sand, or even the wind that blows gently through my pubic hairs.

2. Saggitariuseses, I hope you didnt drink a hot beverage on a train platform last week because its an accident just waiting to happen. Did it?

3. ROAR!

I need a job so I can buy:

1. This

2. This

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Why The Internet is Great

Tonight I bring to you a small collection of short clips about... farting.

Some involve fire!

What a gas! HO HO!

A warm thanks to Dave for smearing this awesomeness all over other people!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Illustration Friday: Gravity

Every morning and every day
. . . .I'll bossanova with ya


You came into the house
with more time in your eyes
and more leg length
an extra centimeter which lifted
your chirping bird heart
a little higher toward the foliage
toward the shadowy tree of all life

And then a bat.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Outback Adventures

It's a very special little boys naming ceremony this week and his very special godfather is writing/recording him a story about his adventures as a baby tasmanian tiger in the outback. "He packed his tucker bag with some lemon curd sandwiches and some Walkers salt and vinegar widgedy grubs that his dad had given him for helping him clean out their cave. He kissed Mummy Thylacine on the nose and set off on his grand adventure." Im doing some pictures for it! The whole damn thing is so cute its squishing my guts clean out.


The blue-footed booby is a comical-looking tropical seabird with bright blue webbed feet and bluish-grey facial skin. The name Booby comes from the Spanish term bobo which means "stupid fellow". The blue-footed booby breeds year round. The courtship of the Blue-footed Booby consists of the male flaunting his blue feet and dancing to impress the female. He flies around his territory, flaunting his blue feet in an exaggerated high-stepping strut, and presents pieces of nest material to the female. After making a courtship flight, the male Blue-footed Booby flashes his feet at the female Blue-footed Booby as he lands. Then each Blue-footed Booby tilts its bill up towards the sky and the male Blue-footed Boobygives a piercing whistle. The female Blue-footed Booby responds with groaning calls, and mating of the Boobies follows shortly afterwards. Individual Blue-footed Boobies do not eat with the hunting Booby group, preferring to dine on their own, usually in the early morning or late afternoon.

Heh heh.. boobies..

Le le le le

You are over here


i am

Tu.. est

une.. moutard.. extraordinaire

Sur le pain de rye

i am mustard...on rye?



Do not apologize

You are extraordinary mustard

You are a far better condiment than I

Lowly capers.

I do not even know what this is en francais

Perhaps.. capriers? capriettes.. capriettiers?


I am the asexual down of the milkweed pod

Upon the wind I float effortlessly over the land

I stop and rest my weary silveriness in the palms of laughing, crinkly eyed children

Only to be blown off again, to a new land

It is not a hard life

Yet, so many regrets

In my simple soul

One day I will surely meet the sea, and it will be the end of me

My soft guaze will go damp and matted against some shoreline pebbles

No one will weep

I would

A young man walks along the coast, nearly trampling me Howay lads, shes a canny lass, but ah am gannin yem neeo tuh me weeny broon kip. Ah will m
unch on shreddies the'da until ah puke. he laughs a deep laugh and his clint eastwood eyes head westward

And I long for the warmth of my humble pod

The sun dips lower as if into the sea that washes against me, threatening to pull me in with it with every inch of the moon in the sky I am dragged further out

And as it darkens, I get deeper

Until all is black

You've died

Do not think of it as that, small mustard

I will surely be snorted up by a young seal pup

And continue on

But for now I need a piss

Monday, February 12, 2007

A bit of palaver indeed

The post TODAY will be concerned PRIMARILY with a topic most would find indelicate at BEST BUT considering the times in which we live I find it will highlight superlatively certain issues which could prove quite advantageous.. to me. Oh and for you of course!


I need it, and you are going to give it to me.




I am glad we got that out of the way. You are required to admit it was only a matter of time. Absolutely enough to prepare yourself for it in any CASE.

So go on.

Do it.

Fuckshit, its already two and I have YET to shower before I pick The Boy up from school... my life is just GO GO GO.

Now Accepting Offers of Employment!

All the birds, adore me, for my sensitive eyes, and wavy hair....

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Wednesday, February 7, 2007


Theres snow up past my knees outside. My truck is sporting a giant white mohawk because I cant reach the middle part. Our birdfeeder looks like the ghost of Richard Nixon. Its not suitable job hunting weather. Tragically, I will be forced to put it off another day.. or two... weeks.. anyway, its bloody cold outside, so heres some things to maybe warm you up a bit.

Hot Toddy

* 1 shot whiskey or brandy
* 1 squidge of honey
* A lemon quarter

* A cup of hot water
* 1 teabag or tea ball full of your favourite tea

Then you do this:

1. Coat the bottom of a mug with the honey
2. Add the whiskey OR brandy and juice of the lemon
3. Heat water in a tea kettle and add the tea bag

4. Steep 3-4 minutes

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X
X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

with pickled onions and oregano dressing


* 1 head of iceberg lettuce, washed and torn into pieces
* A few handfuls of baby spinach, washed
* Cherry tomatoes, washed
* 1 cucumber, washed and cut into 2-inch chunks
* A couple handful Calamata olives
* Feta cheese, crumbled
* Sea salt and freshly ground pepper

Pickled Red Onions
* 1 cup red wine vinegar

* 1 cup sugar
* 1 large red onion, sliced thinly

The Dressing
* Zest and juice of 1 lemon
* 1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil
* 1 clove garlic, mashed
* 1 tbsp dried oregano

* Salt and pepper


Pickled Red Onions
1. In a small saucepan, bring the vinegar and sugar to a boil
2. Once the sugar has dissolved, turn off the heat and add the onion
3. Let rest until the onion has softened a bit and begins to turn purple, about 30 minutes
4. Refrigerate. Can be made several days in advance and will last a month in your fridge

1. Place salad ingredients into a large salad bowl.

The Dressing
1. Whisk dressing ingredients together until they are smoothly combined
2. Sprinkle pickled onions onto the salad, add dressing and toss well

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Killer Macaroni and Cheese
(seriously, you'll probably die)

* 1 box elbow macaroni

* 1 stick of butter
* 1 cup grated smoked Gouda
* 1 cup grated white Monterey Jack cheese
* 2 cups grated mild yellow Cheddar cheese
* 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
* 1 cup heavy cream
* 1/4 cup milk
* 1/2 tsp dry mustard
* salt and pepper to taste


* 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
* 1 cup breadcrumbs
* 2 tablespoons chopped parsley
* salt and pepper to taste
* 8 thin pats of butter to go on top


1. Boil macaroni in salted water to al dente. While you are waiting for it to boil, melt together butter, cheeses, cream, milk, and salt and pepper

2. Drain macaroni and put back into the pot. When cheese mixture is melted and smooth, pour over macaroni and mix well. Add to a 2-quart casserole dish. For topping, mix together Parmesan cheese, breadcrumbs, parsley, salt and pepper, and sprinkle on top of macaroni and cheese. Top with pats of butter

3. Bake at 425 degrees F for 20-25 minutes or until browned on top

There, if that doesnt make you feel all warm and cozy.. well you're on the internet, go look at pornography or something. LaLaLa!

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Deportation Situation

I Was Deported!

Once upon a time, I was deported from England. My plane touched down at 10am on wednesday in London's Gatwick airport. I was released by immigration somewhere around 8 hours later. Bags searched, fingerprinted and left to sit on a bench in a windowless room without being informed of what was going on, why this was happening or even what they were going to do with me. I wasnt allowed to contact my family or even inform David who was waiting to pick me up in the parking lot of my situation. Poor dear was chainsmoking cigars with worry, this little trip has probably given him lung cancer. I didnt sleep monday night for excitement, I didnt sleep tuesday night on the plane, so everything that was going on was very surreal and I felt soooo sick and tired and scared. A fellow detainee from St. Lucia told me that they were sending her to a "mini motel" for the night, but the smartly dressed Nigerian man in the corner had been there for a whole day and was forced to sleep on the metal bench. He finally got up with either nerve or frustration and knocked on the door and very politely pleaded to know what was happening and had the door quickly shut in his face-- "sir, go sit down, sit down sir, you have only been here 12 hours". 12 hours! Ive never seen a giant african man cry before. Sitting in a room for that long doesnt sound as stressful as it is, considering youre powerless and in the dark about everything its a very effective kind of mental/emotional torture. But hey, it wasnt totally inhumane, we got all the free pre-wrapped sandwiches we could handle!

For a while the woman from St. Lucia, Ferdillia, and I chatted and cried together. She was a bit of an angel actually, I hope things work out with her back home. Atleast shes from a nice warm country. They interviewed (read: interrogated) me and decided that the ₤2000 I had wasnt enough to survive in england for one month. Along with various other bullshit descrepencies. Not that that mattered anyway because they already believed I had no reason to ever leave the UK and therefore wouldnt. Guilty until proven innocent.

Anyroad, out of kindness they let me stay with Dave until my flight went out friday morning and I had an absolutely lovely 32 hours with him as well as his friend Rory. Things from my day in Swanage:

- The Fast Show
- Rory making us beans on toast
- A very hot shower
- A verrrry comfortable bed
- Not having to wear a coat
- "Why is there toast on the path?"
- "Chaas sar, thats brilliant! Cor"
- Tuna and black olives on pizza
- Alcoholic Milkshakes
- Dave's palm tree
- The smell of cigars
- Shopping for food
- Thumb veins
- Daves very fast Lancia Delta Intergrrrraleeeee
doing 160 down the M3
- Lulworth Cove at night
- Kimmeridge Bay, also, at night
- Giant grey rabbit in the headlights
- Rory's basmati rice with a spicy fish bolognaise sauce
- His red guitar, fanny pack and excellent hat
- Grey Bottoms
- Pickle spread on red leicester
- Lemon Aquadrops, Aero mint bubbles, UFOs and white chocolate skulls

Then back to the airport where I had an immigration officer accompany me everywhere, which was slightly embarrassing. Sad looking 22 year old canadian girl in a kitten ear hat-- very threatening to national security. Brief stopover in Montreal then back in Toronto where customs had a chat with me, and then Immigration had a chat with me, and then this other section was in charge of going through my bags one more time for good measure. My cousin was waiting for me in the terminal making a movie of "The First Member of the Family ever to be Deported!" and shouted Hi Cousin Kara! As soon as he saw me he immediately shut the camera off because my face looked so deeply unhappy. Rather shit holiday. I made some very interesting friends and it was wonderful to see Dave again, who I love completely and is without question the nicest and most patient human being on the planet. But the majority was pretty shit. Atleast I had a window seat... and 6 in flight movies. I dont recommend Grid Iron Gang by the way.

The Moral of this Story:

have a Return Ticket.

Ill try again in a couple of months...