Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Meng

Well, I sit down every day to write a blog but I suspect Ive been too sleepy because I always wake up hours later, disoriented and sweaty and stuck to the leather couch. I dont have much to say I just wanted to post something. Today was uneventful. I gave beef tenderloin to Michael Ondaatje for lunch. Hes a bit of a sourpuss. He wrote The English Patient, amoung other things, if you dont know the name. Now Im going to attempt a bit of xmas shopping and maybe bug Cory at work for a shandy. Sitting here in my winter hat and scarf and no pants on... have a few steps to complete before heading out, obviously.

Woolala

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Die SinterKLAUZ

I want beer and nachos all over me. Really I want whiskey, but I think that would burn.

Im going to start a weekly blog thing where I share with you a quote made by a popular and famous sexy model lady. It will be called:

"Karalalala's WEEKLY MODEL BlahBlahBlah's"

This weeks quote comes from Hiedi Klum, or Ol' Krautface, as she prefers to be called. Keep in mind that this is to be read in a hilarious comedy German accent like Uter on the Simpsons. This is how she talks. To help you out I will spell things as phonetically accurate as I can.

"Vhen I kommenzi to die New America, I vas really into all ze zings people zat zay eat here, ya? I start to eat die muffins and die brownies and zose yummy-innen-meine-tummy caramel chocolate zings, ya? People you know, zey called me MUFFIN! It is because of I vould be eating all ze muffins all ze time!
"Hey Muffin, vhats up?"
- Heidi Klum

Ha ha ha, god in himmel, what a woman! Du kannst mir sehr gefallen, kleine kuchen!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Grumblebutts

God Im in a shit mood aren't I.

Yeah I am. What the shit. I just can't be fucked. I just spent an hour and a hundred dollaridoos buying christmas pressies online and that was a miserable affair. And buying presents is my FAVOURITE THING! Ive been grumbling and irritated for 2 days. Faking inner sunshine for work and being exhausted. Im working too much. Its not even hard work, but standing on my feet and forcing myself to be pleasent to people I would rather watch be eaten by a pack of hyenas is really tiring dude. Bah fuckin humbug! I know, blah blah blah, stop your whining and all that.. just had to get it out of my system.

AND MY INTERNET IS SO SHIT! GAAAAAAAH 50 DOLLARS A MONTH FOR THIS BULLSHIT!

CRIMINAL!


CRIMINAL!!!

Im actually shouting that. I hope I dont alert anyone into a false pretense of believing there is actual criminal activity afoot. Oh well, there probably is, anyway.

So yeah, christmas pressents. Im working on a limited budget, and Im still spending too much. They arent even stellar presents. For christ sakes, I bought my dad a package of astronaut icecream. A very good indicator of the level Im working on this year. I always want to tell people what there presents are, its a nasty habit. I have nastier ones, but this ones irritating to me. The foul stench constantly streaming from my ass at all hours accompanied by raucous trumpeting, I can live with. So, I'm trying to hold it in-- the secrets, not the farts, thats unhealthy-- but the metaphorical architect who built the dam to hold the reservoir of secrets inside of me was a drunkard, an ethically unsound man, and hopelessly experimental. My dam is made out of silly putty and baby bellybuttons and faerie wings and puppydog scrotums and Dr Pepper bottle caps and will bust open at any sign of strain or distraction from its duty. Maybe thats what all those farts are about... farts are hilarious.

So yeah, whoever you are, reading this, now, I can almost guarantee youre getting no festive packages from my broke scroogy ass this year, and if you do, you may as well hadnt.

I really wish I had a scanner cause I have some really crappy doodles I would love to fill in all this blank space with waaaahhhhhhh.

I dont really have much to share, maybe I will tomorrow. After work, of course. I cant wait til christmas, December is dragging in this middle part. It needs a nice end.

Florp

Im eating granola and its getting everywhere. It tastes like wooden marshmallows. Mmmmm.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Pinsents Chimichanga

Today started off awful. I didn't like it at all. And then I had 3 shots of expresso, started feeling chipper, and ended up serving lunch to Gordon Pinsent.

I snuck a couple extra chimichangas into his paper bag. He wore an exce
ptionally nice black hat. He was very friendly and sweet and reminded me of my Bapa. I didnt know it was him at first, I just immediately liked him and felt like he was familiar, and thought "That old fellow looks like Gordon Pinsent". I was afraid to ask him, luckily he paid by visa, and I checked out the name. "Gordon Pinsent". I whispered "I thought you looked familiar. Its so great to meet you!" and he said it was nice to have met me too and kissed my hand before leaving! We chatted for a bit before he did though, it turns out he lives just around the corner from me, albeit in a much nicer building.

After he left I shouted to the lady I was serving next, "Do you know who that was! That was Gordon Pinsent! And he kissed my hand!" and she grabbed my hand and wiped the back of it on the back of hers and said "Now we must both never wash these!"

No one else knew who the hell I was talking about though. Has no one watched Due South? Or any Canadian movie made after 1965??


Fools!

Now Im going to eat a chocolate bar and go to bed because Im working a 16 hour day tomorrow, and up again at 6 on saturday.


Thankgod for Gordon Pinsent and espresso!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

'Lear M'dear


the Owl and the Pussy Cat
by
Edward Lear

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,

"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,

You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"

Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have
tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows,
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood,
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,

His nose,
With a ring at the end of his nose.

"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,

Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,

They danced by the light of the moon.


Isn't that a bit of loveliness? That is one of my most favourite assemblage of words. Just had a hankering to read it again, that and The Dong with a Luminous Nose.



One day, when I can draw real good like, I should like very much to illustrate one of these, or both of these. Though they do pretty much illustrate themselves, they are so visual, but I would like to put what it makes in my brain appear onto paper. Nonsense makes me happy. Nonsense makes me gay. But not in that way. Okay maybe a little bit sometimes after a drink or two.

In addition to being drawn to all things nonsense and all things of a kind of general irreverent attitude, I really enjoy things that take place on or near water. Its not JUST a pirate fetish, most of my dreams are set near lakes, when I imagine things I like to imagine them by the sea. I think in dreams water is supposed to represent your sexuality. Apparently, sexually I am cold and wet and let old men pull fish out of me. I feel most comfortable living by bodies of water. The air just smells different when you're near water. When we first moved here I felt comfortable even though we're downtown and I couldn't pinpoint why. I realized that it's because the air feels and smells the same as it does at my grandparents house in Oakville on the lake. That reminds me of this internet quiz (I know, Im a dickweed) I did a long time ago. I like it because its very short, somewhat insightful, and it deals with basic totems of human psychology which are not alone in the pile of wet nonsense as another enjoyment of mine. Its a popular one so you have all probably already done it, knowing what crazed internet quiz fiends you are. In case you havent, try it, its neat.

Walk Through The Woods


Here are my answers, if you're interested

1. Monsieur Cory
2. A horrible rat bastard squirrel
3. A stare down. I attempt to control the squirrel's very will with my mind. Or at least explode it with ultra- psychic waves. Im scared. I hide behind Cory.
4. Small but sturdy
5. No, just tall, spiky trees
6. A pile of wildflowers not cut or put in a vase yet, half read books, dirty plates
7. Shiny, shiny metal. So shiny. It looks to be a 15th century medieval goblet!
8. Pick it up and put it in the trunk of my SUV. Try to sell it later on Ebay.
9. A lake
10. Walk across it barefoot

So according to this I think Cory and I get along like a metal goblet. I turn small, furry, harmless problems into hugely outrageous obstacles that I try to solve with staring and telekinesis. I keep people out with defenses that I grow naturally in my garden. I'm a little bit happy but right now I have many chores. And I'm a horny, modern day prophet livin la vida loca, bitches.

See, internet quizzes are helping us keep it real.

I showed you mine now you show me yours! Thats how it works!

Imma go make a quiche. Outties Playaz.


Crabbia Horrida

Monday, December 3, 2007

T3rmin8R RulEz

I just read on IMDB that Christian Bale is rumoured to be the next terminator.

WTF

Blurb about it here


Also that is a
human ovum examined fresh in the liquor folliculi. Pretty eh?

And this is my Objet D'adoration and soon he will be out there, and cant be bargained with. He cant be reasoned with. He cant feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he will absolutely not stop, ever, until you are dead. *swoon*


Bloated Boasting and NM Cookies

This time of year is expensive and expansive for me. Expensive for my wallet and expansive for my tummy. Im just sitting here going over a list of cookies I am thinking of baking for christmas and yowza.. I am going to be so fat and broke hahaaaa. While narrowing down the list, every so often I will take a bite of this "raspberry and chocolate mousse tower" I got from work. Its a crunchy chocolate biscuit with a layer of bubbly chocolate mousse and over that a layer of raspberry mousse, held together in a mesh of chocolate and dusted in edible gold flakes. Im making obscene noises. Its probably embarrassing the neighbors. Such a dessert of unparalleled elegance and I cant help but wonder if my poops will be flecked with gold...

Its crazy though, the stuff Im eating. Today I was good for breakfast because our cupboards are bare, so I just have grapefruit juice and a wee apple. When I got to work! I dropped apple strudel on the floor, so I ate it. Then I dropped a chocolate hazelnut cluster on the floor, so I ate that. Im like some perverse dessert anteater. The second it hits the floor Im hoovering it up without a second thought. Its gotten so bad that if anyone at all drops anything its automatically offered to me first. Im so damn classy, OUCH! For lunch I had cookies. 2 Danish Almond Horn cookies and 2 Pistachio Florentines. Florentines are my favourite holiday cookie. My Bapa worked selling pastry supplies and at Christmas would always have these plates of cookies for us, florentines were on it. They are very thin disks of toasted nuts held together in a sweet sticky mixture of honey and sugar and then the entire bottom half is dipped in chocolate.
Mmmm. So thin and chocolateyyyyyy.




Anyway! And then for dinner I just had this crazy mousse tower fuck me in the mouth and a square of uber dense devils food cake.

AND

Yesterday. For lunch I had cauliflower agnolotti in a caper cream sauce, a savoury cheesecake with strawberry compote, a potato latke, half a piece of miso glazed salmon steak and a very tart lemon tart. For like, $3. GAH. I love my work. I love my work. I love my work.

A girl who literally has a dozen bucks to her name until next paycheck should not be eating like the richest bitches in the city. Man O Man.

So, if any of you guys are ever feeling dodgy enough to come visit the east end, drop into cabbage town and Ill hook you up with the best butter croissant in the city. Maybe a bit of coffee. Maybe a cracked out transgendered hooker if you're hungry for that. Ill see what I can do. I will be the pimp of your sweetest desires, my darlies.



Just take the streetcar to the end of Carlton. Im always there.


Always.......


Sigh

OH ALSO! While Im on the subject of cookies, heres a recipe I found yesterday for Neiman Marcus's chocolate chip cookies. Now I havent tried this yet but I have read rave reviews on a few sites from people who have. Just thought you might be interested.

Neiman Marcus Chocolate Chip Cookie

Ingredients

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
1 cup light brown sugar
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 large egg
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1-3/4 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1-1/2 teaspoons instant espresso coffee powder
1-1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Cream the butter with the sugars using an electric mixer on medium speed until fluffy (approximately 30 seconds)

2. Beat in the egg and the vanilla extract for another 30 seconds.

3. In a mixing bowl, sift together the dry ingredients and beat into the butter mixture at low speed for about 15 seconds. Stir in the espresso coffee powder and chocolate chips.

4. Using a 1 ounce scoop or a 2 tablespoon measure, drop cookie dough onto a greased cookie sheet about 3 inches apart. Gently press down on the dough with the back of a spoon to spread out into a 2 inch circle. Bake for about 20 minutes or until nicely browned around the edges. Bake a little longer for a crispier cookie.

Yield: 2 dozen cookies