Sunday, November 7, 2010

Drunk Monk

Dear Internet,

On this the seventh of November in the two thousand and tenth year, I, Kara Lalala, have begun a thing. Its a drunken tea swap!!!!

It is hosted here www.swapbot.com so join up and swap with me. Take a tea and put some alcohol in it. Write down what you did and send a sample of that tea to your designated partner. Experiment until you can't find the kettle. Come on, do it! I dare you.

Sincelery,

Me

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Ponk Chomp


We made this and wish everyone would look at it.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Happy Birthday, BBOT!


This saturday the 23rd of October, 2010, my smallest brother became TWENTY YEARS OF AGE. Happy Birthday, Buttface. This is the cake I made for him. It's icecream. Im a professional pastry chef. For real, I get paid for this. TADA!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Beardonkadonk



As I sit surrounded by bowls covered with the residue of a fine oatmeal dinner, watching Bear Grylls find excuses in every condition possible to "get his kit off", Im reminded of this bear video. Enjoy. I SAID ENJOY!


Saturday, October 16, 2010

New Blog Time


Bonjour my precious bum burglars!

Its me! Your favourite! Im doing blogs again now! Here comes! Blog!

Ive been doing so many things! Such as:




Buckets of Turkey!

Turkey soup!

Candy Apples. Seasonal!

RECIPE!

Caramel Apples

6 wooden craft sticks
6 small apples, any variety, stems removed
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup dark corn syrup
2 tablespoons unsalted butter

Insert sticks into tops of apples. Prepare an ice-water bath.
Bring cream, sugar, corn syrup, and butter to a boil in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Clip a candy thermometer to pan, and continue to cook until mixture reaches 245 degrees, 10 to 12 minutes.
Place pan in ice-water bath to stop the cooking. Dip bottom of each apple in caramel. Using a spoon, coat apple halfway to three-quarters of the way up sides. Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet, and refrigerate until set, about 15 minutes (or overnight).



CHANDALIER! Jealousy of my OSTENTATIOUS EFFULGENT LAMBENCY1? Pimpppp asssssssssssss fucking mason jarks.

Next.


KEANU REEVES! I am making a meme uNFOLD like a orchid on the internet! FROM THE CUPCAKE SIDE! What? Are you saying questions? Why yes! Keanu Reeves is eating, MY, me, MY, I, ME, my, MINE cupcake. And now you understand that meme comes from ME ME!

ME! Hes eating my cupcake. For real, its exciting, and Im not even lying at all this time.



Cupcake rejected. WAAAAAA

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Mama Cass puts the ass in class


Once upon a time in a land down under lived the fattest kookaburra who ever did indeed live. Mama Cass lived in an idyllic park in Sydney. She would spend her days waddling around in the grass being fed sausages and delicious cheeseburgers by kind picnickers. At night she would fall asleep wherever she happened to plop down, kept warm by the hot dogs in her belly and farts that streamed almost continuously from her little birdie bum. Mama Cass could not fly up into the safety of the tree tops you see, because of her substantial heft, she had all the abilities of a feathery medicine ball. But oh was she happy.

That was until one fateful day when a pack of vicious dogs caught wind of her tasty sausage smell and went after her. Mama Cass trundled away as fast as her feeble legs would carry her enormous pudge-body but eventually the dogs got her. Luckily the nice park goers intervened and saved Mama Cass! They carried her to the zoo where they bandaged her up and took care of her.

Mama Cass was put on a balanced diet immediately and was even made to exercise. Eating slugs and bugs was one thing but there was no way they were getting big mama to flap around like some kooky kookaburra. Eventually the exasperated zookeepers took to full out chasing Mama Cass around the yard to get her moving. After a few weeks of this Mama Cass had slimmed down to a sleek 446 grams and even managed to fly! It was to the nearest branch, but everyone was so proud.

All of Australia was so touched and inspired by Mama Cass that they made her President!

The End.

Inspired by the true story of one amazing tubby bird.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Rain Stained Brain


It's raining. Only it is gorgeous grey blue summer rain that makes everything look greener and everything smells like flowers. Usually the city smells like a hobo's mattress. Because um.. it is a big hobo mattress I suppose.


I had to have an excuse to go for a walk in the rain. So I decided that I would make use of the strawberry rhubarb compote B-Bot and I made a few days ago to make a dessert. A dessert that would require tremendous amounts of whipped cream. Pants went on and I went out!

I walked down to the closest corner store. On the way there I passed a black man dressed all in white with aviator glasses who stopped to pick up an old water bottle off the ground and throw it away. I thought that was an odd thing to do, in the rain. Stop to pick up litter. You never see anyone in the city do that. It made me smile. No luck for whipped cream at the shop, which I was secretly happy for because it meant a longer, wetter trek.

The sides of the road had turned into tiny rivers. Rivulets of water carried bubbles along into the sewer grates. Over head I could make out the impressions of 3 seagulls hundreds of feet above. Keeping an eye on things. I noticed no one looked unhappy to be out getting soaked. I passed by the post office box and felt a pang of sadness at not bringing a postcard to quickly scribble on and toss over to New Zealand.

At my favourite convenience store I bought a wee whipping cream and the most orange of all oranges. I walked back home slowly, soaking wet, with an orange in my hand. I was tempted to steal roses from outside the church on the corner because the hot pink of them went with my orange so well. But I resisted. Like Jesus resisted temptation. I think that's a movie, anyway.

At the intersection two large ladies in floral skirts held plastic garbage bags against their heads. I never understood why ladies can be completely soaked but damn it all if their hair gets damp. There was a plaid clad fellow reeking of student, standing sullenly strapped to an ipod. I watched him watch this lovely Korean lady jog by. He looked slightly less sullen. Sometimes when Im allowed out in the world I like to take a situation like.. being on a bus or at an intersection. And imagine being in a catastrophe and these are the people I am stuck with. Like an episode of Lost with less polar bears and way way more Jacks. Boring. I try to pick out who I would eat first. The sullen student looked like he'd taste gamey.

Now I am home and in the oven are big fat pillows of meringue getting nice and hard and crunchy for dessert later. I dont have 3 hours to wait so Im cooking them at a high temperature. Right now they are a soft brown and the apartment smells like caramel.

I fit right in! Like my cock in your mother!





Why hello there sexy thing, come here often?
Of course you dont cause theres fuckall here.

Well, that's not true anymore is it.. cause now there's this. So read it.

Ive been gone for a while. A blog is awesome when you have an hour to spare here and there and want to share some random shit with whichever random shit happens to read it. But since February I have made a point to make and keep myself seriously busy. I mean deadly serious. I mean keel over dead serious. 4real.

But. It has become overwhelmingly apparent that it is now June. In fact across the world my dearest thing is having its birthday and will later be filling its furry face with dutch beers and blue cheese mussels. This day was kind of like a marker for when I can start to come back to real life and stop being robot Kara trying to make time go by as fast as possible. So to celebrate Im doing what any newly born into the world thing does.. laying around crying, covered in my own mothers blood. That's a lie, I'm just writing a blog. But how fucked up and evil are babies?

So, one job turned to two jobs, which turned into, briefly but not briefly enough, three fucking jobs. And now Ive pared it down to one. The best one. Im in love. I'm keeping it. It lets me begin every morning by stocking a cafe with muffins, cookies, scones, cakes, CUPCAKES BROWNIES-- woah okay.. see, its a nice way to start the day. Even if its at six am. And then I spend the rest of my day, creating things. And trying hard not to burn shit. "It's not cookies burning you smell! You are all having seizures!"

My favourite part is that on mondays and tuesdays I am in charge of making the staff meal. So I just poke around in the walk in fridge, grab what seems to be in abundance, and start making whatever I want. Fucking brilliant. At the end of the day my white uniform is covered in raspberry blobs and cocoa powder dustings, smears of chocolate, bright streaks of buttercream. I strip the Van Gogh off my belly and enjoy a nice bike ride home. Sometimes you just have to tell the universe exactly, in perfect glowing detail what you want so it knows what to give you. I'm pretty happy.

Today aside from a nap and some good birthday chats I have started organizing things for the move in July. The antonym for my apartment right now is "order". Synonyms include "stink" and "sucks". I started on all this without realizing that once I pulled everything out and laid it in as many unorganized little piles on every flat surface, that I lacked boxes to pack it in after. And now its raining and boxes are OUT OF THE QUESTION! So Im laying here, in and on piles of clothes and books and tea and important papers, writing this. My body is at many awkward angles in order to accommodate this. I may not be able to get up.

Oh. I can. Success. Okay Im going to go eat some cheese and fart around for a bit. Peace out!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Butter Feet



"The Sun's not yellow, it's chicken" - Bob Dylan

This is the actual colour of the sun! This is a picture I took with my camera to prove it. It's not even yellow like I have been drawing it my ENTIRE life. Sunshine Yellow crayons? Sticks of waxen lies. Its kind of a pinky white. Actually it kind of does look like a nice pale uncooked chicken. #fff5f2 is the hex code for all you NERDS!

So Pluto isnt a planet and the sun is not yellow, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHATS HAPPENING!?

Yesterday when I was baking cookies I needed to bring 2 pounds of butter to room temperature relatively fast. So, being the smart COOKIE (lolllz0rs) that I am, I placed them on top of the radiator! Because its hot, right? Yeaaah. And then I baked 6 dozen cookies... At the 7th dozen I turned to retrieve my butter to find my living room floor flooded with a gleaming golden swamp of unsalted Gaylea. Fuck. Although my floor looked quite lustrous. So I quickly mopped it up, cursing loudly and slipping all over the place while the kitten lazily watched me, judging me for my life choices.


Also sidenote, buttery feet smell disgusting.

Later that evening I was watching a television show with my brother in his room. I left to grab something from my room and while talking to him went to look at the window. Forgetting about the fresh coat of lacquer I applied this morning, I, while talking, slipped, slammed against the hot radiator and flew out of the open window. Luckily I caught myself on the ledge. I nearly died midsentence. No shit, I went nearly clear out of the window. It occurs to me now that my last thought in this world would have been "BUTTER!!!!" Bobby wouldn't have even known, he would have still been talking to me. Tragedy averted. So let this be a lesson to you.. I'm not sure what the lesson is. Butter will get you one way or another??

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fookie Cookies



Look what I made!

Lemon Sables
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 50

2 sticks (8 ounces) unsalted butter , softened

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted

1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 large egg yolks, room temperature

2 cups all-purpose flour.

For the decoration (optional): 
1 egg yolk 
 and crystal sugar.

Working in a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter at medium speed until it is smooth and very creamy. Add the sugars and salt and continue to beat until smooth and velvety, not fluffy and airy, about 1 minute. Reduce the mixer speed to low and beat in 2 egg yolks, again beating until well blended.

Turn off the mixer, pour in the flour, drape a kitchen towel over the mixer and pulse the mixer about 5 times at low speed for 1 or 2 seconds each time. Take a peek; if there is still a lot of flour on the surface of the dough, pulse a couple of more times; if not, remove the towel. Continuing at low speed, stir for about 30 seconds more, just until the flour disappears into the dough and the dough looks uniformly moist. If you still have some flour on the bottom of the bowl, stop mixing and use a rubber spatula to work the rest of it into the dough. (The dough will not come together in a ball -- and it shouldn't. You want to work the dough as little as possible. What you're aiming for is a soft, moist, clumpy dough. When pinched, it should feel a little like Play-Doh.)

Scrape the dough onto a work surface, gather it into a ball and divide it in half. Shape each piece into a smooth log about 9 inches long (it's easiest to work on a piece of plastic wrap and use the plastic to help form the log). Wrap the logs well and chill them for at least 2 hours. The dough may be kept in the refrigerator for up to 3 days or frozen for up to 2 months.

When ready to bake, center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper and keep it at the ready.

To decorate the edges of the sables, whisk the egg yolk until smooth. Place one log of chilled dough on a piece of waxed paper and brush it with yolk (the glue), and then sprinkle the entire surface of the log with sugar. Trim the ends of the roll if they are ragged and slice the log into 1/3-inch-thick cookies.

Place the rounds on the baking sheet, leaving an inch of space between each cookie, and bake for 17 to 20 minutes, rotating the baking sheet at the halfway point. When properly baked, the cookies will be light brown on the bottom, lightly golden around the edges and pale on top. Let the cookies rest 1 or 2 minutes before carefully lifting them onto a cooling rack with a wide metal spatula. Repeat with the remaining log of dough. (Make sure the sheet is cool before baking each batch.)

Variations: 
Lemon Sables Before mixing the butter and sugar together, pour the sugar in a bowl with the grated zest of 1 to 1 1/2 lemons. Work the zest and sugar together with your fingertips until the mixture is moist and aromatic, then cream it with the butter in the mixer.

Parmesan Sables Replace sugars with 3/4 cup very finely grated Parmesan added to the beaten butter. A few grains of fleur de sel may be gently pressed into the top of each sable before the baking sheet is slipped into the oven.



Ginger Molasses
Makes 45

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch of pepper
2 tablespoons grated fresh ginger
3/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
1 cup white sugar

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, soda, and salt. In a separate bowl, beat ginger, butter, and 1 cup sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in molasses and egg. Gently fold in flour mixture until just combined. Chill for 1 hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls and then roll them in sugar. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheets.

Bake until edges start to brown, about 15 minutes. Centers will be slightly soft. Let stand on cookie sheets 1 minute and remove to racks to cool completely.


Chocolate Chip with Pecan Brittle
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 36


2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup sugar
2/3 cup packed light brown sugar
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs
12 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped into chips
1 cup chopped up pecan praline or some sort of nut if you wish

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Whisk together the flour, salt, and baking soda.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with the paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the butter at medium speed for about 1 minute, until smooth. Add the sugars and beat for another 2 minutes or so, until well-blended. Beat in the vanilla. Add the eggs one at a time, beating for 1 minute after each egg goes inches Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the dry ingredients in 3 portions, mixing only until each addition is incorporated. On low speed, or by hand with a rubber spatula, mix in the chocolate and nuts.

Spoon the dough by slightly rounded tablespoonfuls onto the baking sheets, leaving about 2 inches between spoonfuls.

Bake the cookies- one sheet at a time and rotating the sheet at the midway point- for 10-12 minutes, or until they are brown at the edges and golden in the center; they may still be a little soft in the middle, and that's just fine. Pull the sheet from the oven and allow the cookies to rest for 1 minute, then carefully, using a wide metal spatula, transfer them to racks to cool to room temperature.


Chocochunkers
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 36

1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into 3 pieces
6 ounces bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, coarsely chopped
2 large eggs, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
6 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped into chunks, or 1 cup store-bought chocolate chips or chunks
6 ounces premium-quality white chocolate, chopped into chunks
1 cup salted peanuts
1/2 cup pistachio praline
1 cup cranberries

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Sift together the flour, cocoa, salt and baking powder.

Set a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water. Add the butter, bittersweet and unsweetened chocolate and heat, stirring occasionally, just until melted -- the chocolate and butter should be smooth and shiny but not so hot that the butter separates. Remove the bowl from the heat and set it on the counter to cool.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the eggs and sugar together on medium-high speed for about 2 minutes, until they are pale and foamy. Beat in the vanilla extract, then scrape down the bowl. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the melted butter and chocolate, mixing only until incorporated. With a rubber spatula, scrape down the bowl, then, on low speed, add the dry ingredients. Mix just until the dry ingredients disappear into the dough, which will be thick, smooth and shiny. Scrape down the bowl and, using the rubber spatula, mix in the semisweet and milk (or white) chocolate chunks, nuts and raisins -- you'll have more crunchies than dough at this point.

Drop the dough by generously heaping tablespoonfuls onto the baking sheets, leaving about an inch of space between the mounds of dough.

Bake the cookies one sheet at a time for 10 to 12 minutes. The tops of the cookies will look a little dry but the interiors should still be soft. Remove the baking sheet and carefully, using a broad metal spatula, lift the cookies onto a cooling rack to cool to room temperature.

Repeat with the remaining dough, baking only one sheet of cookies at a time and making sure to cool the baking sheets between batches.

If, when the cookies are cooled, the chocolate is still gooey and you'd like it to be a bit firmer, just pop the cookies into the fridge for about 10 minutes.


No Sugar Peanut Butter
Adapted from Paula Dean
Makes 36

2 cups peanut butter, creamy or crunchy
2 2/3 cups baking sugar replacement (recommended: Splenda)
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a large baking sheet.

In a mixing bowl, combine the peanut butter, 1 cup sugar replacement, the egg, and vanilla, and stir well with a spoon.

Roll the dough into balls the size of walnuts. Place the balls on the prepared baking sheet. With a fork, dipped in sugar replacement to prevent sticking, press a crisscross design on each cookie.

Bake for 12 minutes, remove from the oven, and sprinkle the cookies with some of the remaining sugar replacement. Cool slightly before removing from pan.


No Sugar Chocolate Chip
Adapted from Splenda
Makes 24


1/3 cup (80 mL) margarine, softened
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 cup Splenda, Granulated
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

With an electric mixer, cream margarine for 1 minute. Add egg and vanilla and beat on high for 1 minute. Add Splenda and beat until well blended. Combine flour, baking soda and salt; beat into mixture until smooth. Stir in chips.

Drop from small spoon onto ungreased baking sheets. Flatten slightly with back of spoon. Bake at 375°F (190°C) for 8 to 10 minutes or until browned on bottoms. Cool on rack. Store in air-tight container.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Robot Unicorn Attack


You are a robot unicorn, you run super fast while blasting rainbows out of your head and when you die, you die with explosion. I pledge my life to this game. Please play it too and come to know my joy.


Thanks Hayley!

Snozzberries


Wonka is having a real life golden ticket contest. For real.

"Grand Prize winners will get a Trip Around the World: four destinations, three travel companions, and $12,500 to spend as you see fit.
"

I will have me a golden ticket. arrrrh.

Bibbobambam


Superfast Jellyfish - Gorillaz Feat. Gruff Rhys And De La Soul

Stay On Your Toes - Del Tha Funky Homosapien


Sugar Magnolia - The Grateful Dead


X Offender - Blondie


Well well well, we meet again.

Im beginning to feel like you're following me.

Work was very nice today. I had a day shift for the first time ever. Everything was going swimmingly until the Chef-That-Thinks-Im-An-Idiot showed up and I fucked up the caramel sauce and she beat me to death with a runcible spoon. Oy veh. However I won her favour back and she made me a sandwich. Bibb lettuce, green apple and 7 year old cheddar on a warm crusty baguette with a glass of, wait for it... freshly squeezed orange juice. If there is anyway to endear me to you forever, make me a cheese sandwich. Damn.

After work I rode home and it was so mild and sunny that I de-toque'd. Glorious. On Gerard street a man in a crowd of people stopped, turned and looked right in my eyes and shouted "You've been lying to me for 10 years and I'm sick of it!" What a bitch I am.

Upon my arrival I was greeted with a package in my mail box!!!!!!! Inside was a t-shirt that came all the way from a boxing club in Albany, New York. Most specifically a Dr. X. t-shirt I ordered when I wanted to be Debbie Harry for halloween last year. Yayyy. There was also a signed photo of the man himself (see above). Awesome.

Nice bike rides, cheese sandwiches and packages in the mail. I'm happy as a lactose intolerant clam.

Im going to spend the rest of my evening with a pot of green tea, making some nice food and a playlist for the gym. I don't have very many High Energy Blood Pumping Toonz so if anyone has any suggestions, please please.. please let me know.

C-Ya-Suckers!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Nice'n Squeezy

Hello my little gift boxes of butts.

Miss me?

Yeah I miss me too.

Its a very mild day outside. I would go out on a limb and say its freshness is vaguely spring like. But that limb is budless and birdless so I won't bother. Ive been in the kitchen with my hair wrapped in a fancy scarf that came free with my tub of becel margarine, chopping veggies and listening to music with every window open. Its very pleasurable. Days like this I get the itch for patios and beer. I think its the slight hint of grass smell in the air. Either from the ground or from other open windows.

AND as I sit here, now, this moment in time, contemplating, munching a singular sugar snap pea, I was struck with the sudden desire to blog a bit. So here goes.

Updates on me cuz I know y'all are just begging on your knees to know:

I'm now a for real life pastry cook now at an expensive downtown restaurant owned by a somewhat Canadian version of a celebrity chef. Home of the $36 hamburger. Nice one. I guess Ive been able to call myself a pastry cook for a while but it never really felt right.

My partner in crime is down under these days, fighting the penguin race on behalf of mankind. While simultaneously conducting an in depth analysis of the islands fish and chips situation.

The one eyed kitten head butted her way into the bathroom while I was peeing the other day and has been giving me the stink eye ever since. Although it could be just that she has one eye and I'm imagining things. Either way one of us no longer trusts the other completely.

What else.. oh!

I got a new apron in the mail from Cory's mom! Her friend Janice is learning to sew.


TADA!

Jealous?

I know you are, as it is funky as Jesus Christ. And that motherfucker invented Disco. On the CROSS. True story. Look it up.

Also I have been working like a capital B. AugGhh. Oh well, I'm so much less poor now! Hurrah! I can afford to keep myself in all the finest luxuries. I am buying my hummus in the tub instead of pureeing it myself. That's right. Store bought.

Oh my. Now I know Canada must have just won the gold because the ENTIRE city just errupted in hoots, hollers, woos, airhorns and every car in the place is driving around honking like madmen! Thats amazing. The entire neighborhood is screaming. Go Canada.

I'm off to make myself a nice fish supper.

L8S