Thursday, March 4, 2010

Butter Feet

"The Sun's not yellow, it's chicken" - Bob Dylan

This is the actual colour of the sun! This is a picture I took with my camera to prove it. It's not even yellow like I have been drawing it my ENTIRE life. Sunshine Yellow crayons? Sticks of waxen lies. Its kind of a pinky white. Actually it kind of does look like a nice pale uncooked chicken. #fff5f2 is the hex code for all you NERDS!

So Pluto isnt a planet and the sun is not yellow, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHATS HAPPENING!?

Yesterday when I was baking cookies I needed to bring 2 pounds of butter to room temperature relatively fast. So, being the smart COOKIE (lolllz0rs) that I am, I placed them on top of the radiator! Because its hot, right? Yeaaah. And then I baked 6 dozen cookies... At the 7th dozen I turned to retrieve my butter to find my living room floor flooded with a gleaming golden swamp of unsalted Gaylea. Fuck. Although my floor looked quite lustrous. So I quickly mopped it up, cursing loudly and slipping all over the place while the kitten lazily watched me, judging me for my life choices.

Also sidenote, buttery feet smell disgusting.

Later that evening I was watching a television show with my brother in his room. I left to grab something from my room and while talking to him went to look at the window. Forgetting about the fresh coat of lacquer I applied this morning, I, while talking, slipped, slammed against the hot radiator and flew out of the open window. Luckily I caught myself on the ledge. I nearly died midsentence. No shit, I went nearly clear out of the window. It occurs to me now that my last thought in this world would have been "BUTTER!!!!" Bobby wouldn't have even known, he would have still been talking to me. Tragedy averted. So let this be a lesson to you.. I'm not sure what the lesson is. Butter will get you one way or another??

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fookie Cookies

Look what I made!

Lemon Sables
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 50

2 sticks (8 ounces) unsalted butter , softened

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup confectioners' sugar, sifted

1/2 teaspoon sea salt
2 large egg yolks, room temperature

2 cups all-purpose flour.

For the decoration (optional): 
1 egg yolk 
 and crystal sugar.

Working in a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter at medium speed until it is smooth and very creamy. Add the sugars and salt and continue to beat until smooth and velvety, not fluffy and airy, about 1 minute. Reduce the mixer speed to low and beat in 2 egg yolks, again beating until well blended.

Turn off the mixer, pour in the flour, drape a kitchen towel over the mixer and pulse the mixer about 5 times at low speed for 1 or 2 seconds each time. Take a peek; if there is still a lot of flour on the surface of the dough, pulse a couple of more times; if not, remove the towel. Continuing at low speed, stir for about 30 seconds more, just until the flour disappears into the dough and the dough looks uniformly moist. If you still have some flour on the bottom of the bowl, stop mixing and use a rubber spatula to work the rest of it into the dough. (The dough will not come together in a ball -- and it shouldn't. You want to work the dough as little as possible. What you're aiming for is a soft, moist, clumpy dough. When pinched, it should feel a little like Play-Doh.)

Scrape the dough onto a work surface, gather it into a ball and divide it in half. Shape each piece into a smooth log about 9 inches long (it's easiest to work on a piece of plastic wrap and use the plastic to help form the log). Wrap the logs well and chill them for at least 2 hours. The dough may be kept in the refrigerator for up to 3 days or frozen for up to 2 months.

When ready to bake, center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with a silicone baking mat or parchment paper and keep it at the ready.

To decorate the edges of the sables, whisk the egg yolk until smooth. Place one log of chilled dough on a piece of waxed paper and brush it with yolk (the glue), and then sprinkle the entire surface of the log with sugar. Trim the ends of the roll if they are ragged and slice the log into 1/3-inch-thick cookies.

Place the rounds on the baking sheet, leaving an inch of space between each cookie, and bake for 17 to 20 minutes, rotating the baking sheet at the halfway point. When properly baked, the cookies will be light brown on the bottom, lightly golden around the edges and pale on top. Let the cookies rest 1 or 2 minutes before carefully lifting them onto a cooling rack with a wide metal spatula. Repeat with the remaining log of dough. (Make sure the sheet is cool before baking each batch.)

Lemon Sables Before mixing the butter and sugar together, pour the sugar in a bowl with the grated zest of 1 to 1 1/2 lemons. Work the zest and sugar together with your fingertips until the mixture is moist and aromatic, then cream it with the butter in the mixer.

Parmesan Sables Replace sugars with 3/4 cup very finely grated Parmesan added to the beaten butter. A few grains of fleur de sel may be gently pressed into the top of each sable before the baking sheet is slipped into the oven.

Ginger Molasses
Makes 45

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch of pepper
2 tablespoons grated fresh ginger
3/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup molasses
1 egg
1 cup white sugar

In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, soda, and salt. In a separate bowl, beat ginger, butter, and 1 cup sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in molasses and egg. Gently fold in flour mixture until just combined. Chill for 1 hour.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls and then roll them in sugar. Place 2 inches apart on ungreased baking sheets.

Bake until edges start to brown, about 15 minutes. Centers will be slightly soft. Let stand on cookie sheets 1 minute and remove to racks to cool completely.

Chocolate Chip with Pecan Brittle
Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 36

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 cup sugar
2/3 cup packed light brown sugar
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs
12 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped into chips
1 cup chopped up pecan praline or some sort of nut if you wish

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Whisk together the flour, salt, and baking soda.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with the paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the butter at medium speed for about 1 minute, until smooth. Add the sugars and beat for another 2 minutes or so, until well-blended. Beat in the vanilla. Add the eggs one at a time, beating for 1 minute after each egg goes inches Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the dry ingredients in 3 portions, mixing only until each addition is incorporated. On low speed, or by hand with a rubber spatula, mix in the chocolate and nuts.

Spoon the dough by slightly rounded tablespoonfuls onto the baking sheets, leaving about 2 inches between spoonfuls.

Bake the cookies- one sheet at a time and rotating the sheet at the midway point- for 10-12 minutes, or until they are brown at the edges and golden in the center; they may still be a little soft in the middle, and that's just fine. Pull the sheet from the oven and allow the cookies to rest for 1 minute, then carefully, using a wide metal spatula, transfer them to racks to cool to room temperature.

Adapted from Dorie Greenspan
Makes 36

1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into 3 pieces
6 ounces bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 ounce unsweetened chocolate, coarsely chopped
2 large eggs, at room temperature
2/3 cup sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
6 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped into chunks, or 1 cup store-bought chocolate chips or chunks
6 ounces premium-quality white chocolate, chopped into chunks
1 cup salted peanuts
1/2 cup pistachio praline
1 cup cranberries

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with parchment or silicone mats.

Sift together the flour, cocoa, salt and baking powder.

Set a heatproof bowl over a saucepan of simmering water. Add the butter, bittersweet and unsweetened chocolate and heat, stirring occasionally, just until melted -- the chocolate and butter should be smooth and shiny but not so hot that the butter separates. Remove the bowl from the heat and set it on the counter to cool.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the eggs and sugar together on medium-high speed for about 2 minutes, until they are pale and foamy. Beat in the vanilla extract, then scrape down the bowl. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the melted butter and chocolate, mixing only until incorporated. With a rubber spatula, scrape down the bowl, then, on low speed, add the dry ingredients. Mix just until the dry ingredients disappear into the dough, which will be thick, smooth and shiny. Scrape down the bowl and, using the rubber spatula, mix in the semisweet and milk (or white) chocolate chunks, nuts and raisins -- you'll have more crunchies than dough at this point.

Drop the dough by generously heaping tablespoonfuls onto the baking sheets, leaving about an inch of space between the mounds of dough.

Bake the cookies one sheet at a time for 10 to 12 minutes. The tops of the cookies will look a little dry but the interiors should still be soft. Remove the baking sheet and carefully, using a broad metal spatula, lift the cookies onto a cooling rack to cool to room temperature.

Repeat with the remaining dough, baking only one sheet of cookies at a time and making sure to cool the baking sheets between batches.

If, when the cookies are cooled, the chocolate is still gooey and you'd like it to be a bit firmer, just pop the cookies into the fridge for about 10 minutes.

No Sugar Peanut Butter
Adapted from Paula Dean
Makes 36

2 cups peanut butter, creamy or crunchy
2 2/3 cups baking sugar replacement (recommended: Splenda)
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a large baking sheet.

In a mixing bowl, combine the peanut butter, 1 cup sugar replacement, the egg, and vanilla, and stir well with a spoon.

Roll the dough into balls the size of walnuts. Place the balls on the prepared baking sheet. With a fork, dipped in sugar replacement to prevent sticking, press a crisscross design on each cookie.

Bake for 12 minutes, remove from the oven, and sprinkle the cookies with some of the remaining sugar replacement. Cool slightly before removing from pan.

No Sugar Chocolate Chip
Adapted from Splenda
Makes 24

1/3 cup (80 mL) margarine, softened
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 cup Splenda, Granulated
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

With an electric mixer, cream margarine for 1 minute. Add egg and vanilla and beat on high for 1 minute. Add Splenda and beat until well blended. Combine flour, baking soda and salt; beat into mixture until smooth. Stir in chips.

Drop from small spoon onto ungreased baking sheets. Flatten slightly with back of spoon. Bake at 375°F (190°C) for 8 to 10 minutes or until browned on bottoms. Cool on rack. Store in air-tight container.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Robot Unicorn Attack

You are a robot unicorn, you run super fast while blasting rainbows out of your head and when you die, you die with explosion. I pledge my life to this game. Please play it too and come to know my joy.

Thanks Hayley!


Wonka is having a real life golden ticket contest. For real.

"Grand Prize winners will get a Trip Around the World: four destinations, three travel companions, and $12,500 to spend as you see fit.

I will have me a golden ticket. arrrrh.


Superfast Jellyfish - Gorillaz Feat. Gruff Rhys And De La Soul

Stay On Your Toes - Del Tha Funky Homosapien

Sugar Magnolia - The Grateful Dead

X Offender - Blondie

Well well well, we meet again.

Im beginning to feel like you're following me.

Work was very nice today. I had a day shift for the first time ever. Everything was going swimmingly until the Chef-That-Thinks-Im-An-Idiot showed up and I fucked up the caramel sauce and she beat me to death with a runcible spoon. Oy veh. However I won her favour back and she made me a sandwich. Bibb lettuce, green apple and 7 year old cheddar on a warm crusty baguette with a glass of, wait for it... freshly squeezed orange juice. If there is anyway to endear me to you forever, make me a cheese sandwich. Damn.

After work I rode home and it was so mild and sunny that I de-toque'd. Glorious. On Gerard street a man in a crowd of people stopped, turned and looked right in my eyes and shouted "You've been lying to me for 10 years and I'm sick of it!" What a bitch I am.

Upon my arrival I was greeted with a package in my mail box!!!!!!! Inside was a t-shirt that came all the way from a boxing club in Albany, New York. Most specifically a Dr. X. t-shirt I ordered when I wanted to be Debbie Harry for halloween last year. Yayyy. There was also a signed photo of the man himself (see above). Awesome.

Nice bike rides, cheese sandwiches and packages in the mail. I'm happy as a lactose intolerant clam.

Im going to spend the rest of my evening with a pot of green tea, making some nice food and a playlist for the gym. I don't have very many High Energy Blood Pumping Toonz so if anyone has any suggestions, please please.. please let me know.